This is part one of a series on my marriage - this week I'm focusing on what we did to prepare ourselves for a successful partnership.
This past week Matt and I have been on our "babymoon." We both thought it was important to our relationship (and our own personal sanity) to take one more vacation before our daughter is born.
This past week Matt and I have been on our "babymoon." We both thought it was important to our relationship (and our own personal sanity) to take one more vacation before our daughter is born.
Last weekend as we drove the six and a half hours to the North Carolina Outer Banks, I quietly reflected on all the time we have had together - seven years of marriage and eight years together - and those years have been so precious. Although I love my daughter and can't wait for her to be born, I'm grieving the ending of this season as a family of two. We have been so blessed to be consistently in love with one another and to have a relationship that we can both depend upon. I honestly do not think life would be as bright, fun and wonderful without Matt by my side.
Matt and I have been blessed with a very solid marriage to date. Our time as a couple before we got married was only 9 months, so we did a lot to help prepare ourselves for a life together as husband and wife: we read marriage books, we talked a lot to other married couples and listened to their advice and we did six months of pre-marital counseling through the church I grew up in.
Now this wasn't the "meet with your pastor" once a month kind of counseling - this was every other week, with extensive homework, spilling out all our misguided expectations and hurts and fears to another successfully married couple kind of counseling. And it worked!
Now this wasn't the "meet with your pastor" once a month kind of counseling - this was every other week, with extensive homework, spilling out all our misguided expectations and hurts and fears to another successfully married couple kind of counseling. And it worked!
First, our counselors were awesome - we instantly clicked with them and their story as a married couple was inspiring and encouraging. Second, the program we went through was structured, organized and designed to walk you through everything from communication skills, to finances, to sex, to conflict and religion. Finally, we had to each fill out a questionnaire that outlined our views/expectations on those big subjects and based on our answers, our counselors tailored the curriculum to where we needed the most help.
We'll admit that those six months of counseling was the best thing we did for our marriage. We still go back to the tools we learned, and we honestly believe we would have had a few very rough first years together if we hadn't gone through it.
So as part of our counseling program, we made some decisions about what kind of relationship we wanted to have and what principles we wanted our marriage to be founded upon. Here they are:
God is the Foundation
Matt and I have a biblical marriage and our faith and relationship with God has to be the solid foundation upon which we stand. We put a lot of focus on this through pursuing God as a couple and individually, and encouraging and sharpening one another in prayer and words.
Respect and Support One Another
We feel it's important to demonstrate respect on a daily basis for the other person through things as simple as common courtesy, kindness and service; but we also wanted to be each other's biggest champions in life. We each have ambitions, ideas and passions and it's imperative that we understand and support the other person as they pursue those things. We also have a no "trash talk" rule - we never speak poorly or complain about one another to friends or family, or air our "dirty laundry" in public.
Marriage is not our "everything" or saving grace
The world tells us that "all we need is love" and another person should complete you, but that isn't a healthy or realistic expectation. We cannot be the other person's everything, make our marriage the center of our whole lives (that is God's place) or expect the other person to help solve all our problems. Having a healthy balance of interests, friendships and a strong relationship with God enhances our relationship and keeps us from putting unrealistic expectations and desires on the other.
In addition, I have created my own "rules" as Matt's wife (totally chosen by me) that have helped our marriage along the way:
Jesus first, Matt second, me third.
This is the priority order in my life - my relationship with God takes precedence over everything; then my relationship with Matt is my focus. I focus on myself last in this scenario because as I have witnessed time and time again, putting Matt's needs and desires ahead of my own brings honor to God and demonstrates the kind of respect he deserves. And in turn, he responds by putting my needs first over his own. It's a wonderful cycle of honoring one another and loving the other in the way they need to be loved.
The Rule of 3
This is something that the wife of our counseling team told me and it has stuck with me ever since. We all have things that drive us crazy about the other person - these little annoying quirks (example: Matt leaves the lights on in the bathroom and kitchen when no one is using the room) that can build resentment towards the other person over time. The Rule of 3 is this - if you address that annoying quirk 3 times (meaning I would ask, "Matt would you please turn the lights off when you leave the room" in 3 separate instances) and the behavior still doesn't change after that 3rd time, LET IT GO! Those little annoying quirks don't matter in the long run and it keeps me from being a nagging wife. No one likes a nagging wife!
When in doubt, have sex.
When either of us has a bad day or things aren't just clicking for whatever reason between
us, I ask for a little husband/wife time. The intimacy always helps
distract from whatever is going on and provides a
opportunity to connect and reflect. I'll admit it's difficult to
initiate this when I am in a pissy mood or tired, but I'll also admit
that I've never regretted making love to my husband!
Again, these are our principles and my rules - I am no expert on marriage, but I am slowly becoming an expert on MY
marriage. Through our counseling, and through our experience, I have learned
what works for us and how we can continue to have a healthy relationship.
I know our relationship will change when Brighton is born, and we will be forced to adjust for our new family member, but I'm positive that we will be able to continue to have a healthy and wonderful marriage - we have the tools, the history and our God to help us.
More posts on this subject to come!
Matthew, I love you. I'm honored to be your wife and the last eight years have been the best of my life!
