Generosity

Generosity is a tricky thing. Matt and I have felt called to give as much as we can, when we can to those who need it, to those who don't need it, but need to be blessed, to missionaries, to our church of course. T he Lord put that desire in our hearts (because let's be honest here folks, anything good in us comes from the Lord, our innate sinful nature is selfish!) and ever since I've wanted to be able to make enough money from our jobs in order to really give - like huge sums of money, like life -changing giving if possible. It feels good to do it, which is a selfish outcome, but also it's an incredibly amazing thing to watch someone's life and circumstances be changed based on generosity. But it's tricky because as much as I feel compelled to give, give, give when and where we can, I am totally uncomfortable receiving it.

Since we announced our decision to adopt, both to our family, friends and publicly through our website, we have been inundated with financial gifts - a check to cover the entire cost of our homestudy, a check in a card praying blessings over our future child, a donation on our website from an old friend, multiple emails offering to help and asking for details on where to send money, a "giving jar" at a Thursday night wives club, a future fundraiser hosted by two darling friends who make beautiful jewelry (more to come on that).

This generosity is so overwhelming, and I'm in tears as I type this. How do you even begin to say thank you, to show how appreciative you are for this kind of outpouring of love? How many hugs does it take? How many thank you's? How many prayers should I lift up in honor of the person who gave so generously? How will I ever repay them? This is my dilemma.

Generosity, the radical kind that continues to come my way, requires a swallowing of pride, a swallowing of the trigger response in me that thinks I need to repay them somehow for their gift - even if its an act of service. It's a tit for tat mentality and it's not of the Lord. Every time someone says they want to support us, asks how they can support us, hands me a check, or offers some sort of fundraising or giving opportunity just for us and our future child, I feel a little twinge of pride rise up in me and say in my ear, "NO! You and your husband make your own money, you're not even in real debt, you have a nice house and nice cars and nice clothes. You don't have real needs. There are people far worse off than you who could use it."

But the Lord is good. The minute that pride rises up and starts yelling in my ear, the Lord floods me with His presence and I can feel humility and gratitude overwhelm me to the point of tears. I am reminded that we all need to accept help sometimes, that accepting a gift from someone that they felt called to give, is accepting a blessing from the Lord. Above that, what has been given to us, has really been given to my child, my baby - and I am not going to let my pride get between my child and a blessing that is to be given to them!

This will be a lesson for me in this season - how do I receive gifts and keep my pride in check, keep my desire to repay suppressed, keep my heart humble? Lord help my heart with this, and bless those that choose to bless us.

Friends and family, again, thank you. I am blown away by your love, your encouragement, support and generosity. I can't say thank you enough.