Merry Christmas

Peace, joy and love to you and yours. 

Love, The Motts

Influence Conference Recap: The Details

It's taken me two weeks to get this recap together. Obviously the most important thing that happened to me at the Influence Conference was about my heart (which you can read about here), but in case you are interested in going next year, here is what you have to look forward to:

Informative and helpful workshops and classes
I jumped back and forth between the Life and Strategy tracks and was so impressed with the variety of topics and the talent of the speakers. I heard a great talk about letting go of shame from my roommate's sister-in-law Jamie, a workshop specific to blogging and working with brands by Jen, a funny and sobering chat with Sammy about approval and the internet and finally a pep talk from Nancy about growing a small business.

Jess and Hayley also spoke to the entire conference during morning sessions and the core team helped conduct "revival" chats about some common areas of our life, like work, home and Instagram. And the icing on the cake was Lara's session for Influence Network members. I'm still unpacking all the things she said that night.

The lovely Jess Connolly

The always funny Sammy

I walked away feeling like both my brain and my heart received valuable lessons. In particular, here are a few gems I wrote down during the weekend:

• What am I doing that is just behavior modification instead of truly changing my heart? - Hayley
• We have freedom in God to see ourselves as we are, and to see ourselves as he sees us. - Jamie
• Don't forget to have fun (about blogging). - Jen
• God doesn't want a better life from you, He wants a better life for you. - Jess
• Approval is a lover that always breaks your heart.  - Sammy
• Focus on what you already have, not what you lack (on business and talents). - Nancy
• What is your message? Do you believe in the messages you are sending out to the world? (on social media) - Moriah / Jess
• Approval wants fans, not friends. - Sammy
• Choose purpose over perfect. - Lara

Comfortable rooms and great food
The Westin in Indianapolis is really beautiful. The rooms have the most comfortable beds, there is a Starbucks in the lobby and it's located right in the heart of downtown, close to some great restaurants, a beautiful historic square and shopping if you need it. Also the catered food was great - the best I've ever had from a hotel!

Fountain square

Downtown Indy is gorgeous!

Amazing people
I was constantly surrounded by interesting, encouraging, and talented women. Seriously I met so many women and with each one, I was blown away at their stories, their joy and their savvy. I was so impressed with the atmosphere the core team creates - it's a place where you aren't a stranger to anyone, and you can walk into a room and someone will welcome you, make sure you feel comfortable and strike up conversation. Also meals - this is the time where you can meet new people and get to know them. I had a random lunch conversation turn into a crying fest / adoption tell-all just because I happened to sit down full of a table of strangers. Every night I went to dinner with a few new people and it was so easygoing and fun!

I met so many wonderful women at the conference and am thankful I was able to make a few new friends too. Also, I met my roommates Grace and Joanna through Twitter and they are some of the most precious women. We stayed up until past midnight every night just talking and laughing.

My roomies - Grace, Joanna and Jess

Dinner out with these ladies, forgive my crazy smile - Holly, Emily, Sarah and my roomies)

Oh my goodness, I adore these women! Erica, Valerie, Holly and Chelsea are some of the most impressive and creative women I met that weekend! 

A place to meet God wherever you are

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I was not in the best place mentally or spiritually when I headed to the conference. Regardless, I was still able to feel totally at peace there. No one was throwing hell and brimstone type phrases at me, no one was making me feel guilty or shameful about the state of my heart, and no one was being pushy about their faith. Every speaker talked about God, his goodness and his heart, but it was in a way that was humble, loving and joyful.

I've already purchased my ticket for next year. You don't have to be a blogger, or a master at Twitter, or a small business owner. You just have to be a person who wants to be challenged about their influence, wherever they are. So are you going to Influence next year?

Influence Conference Recap: My Heart

I spent the long weekend in Indiana at the 2014 Influence Conference. It was good. It was hard. It made me ugly cry in the darkness of a hotel ballroom as 300+ women sang. I left feeling tired and wrung out and hopeful. It was a welcome change.

The purpose of the conference is to focus on the influence each of us has right where we are in life - no matter the stage, place or circumstances. It's a blend of talking about our online lives (cause everyone is online whether they're a blogger or not), and our every day lives and our dreams and our faith. I bought my ticket earlier this year, thinking it would be good for me to invest a little in myself and this blog, but also to have a chance to get away from my normal  responsibilities and be able to think and reflect on what I want to do next and what I feel called to do. The opportunity to really take stock of my life is rare - I either am too busy or too tired or I find something else to do to avoid the time it will take. A few months ago I wrote how I have been trying to find the balance between being self-absorbed and overly analytical versus just checking out entirely and living an unexamined life but to be totally honest, I haven't been examining anything as of late.

Well this weekend there was no avoiding the examination of my heart. This last year has been really tough on my faith. Not like what I went through with infertility (where I knew God was good, but couldn't match up his character with my dire circumstances); this was more connected to watching people around me who were leaders in the church, leaders in my community, those who led worship and helped teach children, fall flat on their faces in a very public, very horrifying way. And then the aftermath was just... well it was yucky, and brought out the worst in people. Like the ugly, disgusting worst. I thought that nothing could surprise me anymore, but this did. Watching people I respected and loved in the faith royally screw up and not handle it well really shocked me. And it rocked my already shaky faith. No one is perfect, I get that, but what I witnessed made me wonder if it was even mattered to live as God asks us to since it seemed to make no difference in what did or didn't happen to any of us.

So I hated God when my adoption failed and the conception of my daughter brought me back from the brink... but I still struggled with understanding why all of that happened to us. And now I am struggling to understand why justice sometimes does not happen to those who have clearly and intentionally hurt and destroyed others. I know God is love, but shouldn't his love protect and restore and reconcile?

So this weekend I brought all that crap with me - my weary mind, my half bitter heart and my shaky faith. I had my lines rehearsed for the questions I knew I would get, "Where do you live? What do you do? What is your story?" I had my smiles and my jokes ready. I had my answers to the even tougher questions so I showed just enough vulnerability, but also just enough to stay protected. I was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if I was honest with these women who wanted to know me, who were trying to connect to my heart. Afraid that the flood gates would open and all the muck and mire of my heart would spill out and make a mess I could not clean up. Afraid that if I was real, I couldn't come back to the version of myself I had created over the last year - the woman who, from the outside looking in, had her crap together.

God broke all that down in me this weekend, piece by piece, slowly through the care of the people I met, through hearing stories of loss that led to something even better than they could have imagined, through words that rang of hope and joy and a love that encompasses you until you can't do anything but fall on your knees and confess.

On Saturday night during worship as we sang, "I will call upon your name, and keep my eyes above the waves" I saw myself drowning in the sea, the waves tossing me back and forth, the foam and water clouding my eyes and filling my mouth. But God was there too, sitting in a small wooden boat, his hand outstretched and his eyes pleading with me to take it. He didn't explain the reasons why the storm was raging around me, or why he wouldn't just stop the storm since he had the power to; instead he just offered his hand. And I fought it at first, thinking that I could continue to manage, as I had all these months and the years before that, and that if I got in that boat nothing would change, not really. I was so tired of fighting with doubt and fear and anger. I could not swim anymore. It was time.

So through my tears, I grabbed hold.

Something shifted in me this weekend and the hard places were cracked a little, just enough to make room for some good. I still have so much to process, to plan for, to figure out, but I remembered this weekend that God loves me, loves me so much he is willing to come after me again and again and that is enough.






I know I have probably written about this too much over the last few years, and I'm sure you all are tired of hearing me talk about my struggle with my faith, but this has been something that I cannot seem to process quickly. These things take time and I promise I'll write about the speakers and the conference in another post soon. 

Influence Conference Meet + Greet

So in just a few days I am heading to the Influence Conference! I am so excited to hang out with my roommates for the weekend Grace and Joanna (I'm already good friends with our third roomie Jess) and meet some new people!

As part of the Meet + Greet, we are supposed to post: a photo  + a little bio, one part of the conference we are most excited about and one thing I wouldn’t leave home without

So here is my introduction:

Hi! I'm Kara. I am a lot of things - silly, passionate, a fiercely loyal friend and an constant encourager. I love listening to stories as much as I love telling them and I tend to ask a lot of questions if I am interested in the subject or person. So if I meet you and it feels like an interview, my apologies in advance (it's just that I think you're cool and I want to be friends!)

During the week I write for a big corporate company, and freelance for a little marketing agency. During my free time I have the privilege of spending it with my darling husband Matt and my precious two year old daughter Brighton, plus all our amazing friends. We have made our home in the Queen City - Charlotte, North Carolina - where I have been living since I was 10. I'm in love with interior decorating, writing (I have a novel I've been working since grad school) and hosting parties or dinners at my house. I'm a total Southern belle, with a side of potty mouth. I'm trying to work on that, cause Jesus and my mama expect more from me!

I am most excited about the opportunity to have some dedicated time to talk about Jesus. I go to church, I read my Bible, but listening to others share their hearts about the Lord and being able to digest their words with other women makes me so happy.

I never leave home without lipstick or tinted chapstick. I feel naked without it.

I can't wait to meet you!

a life full of wonder

When I was a child, my father would lift me up and place me on his shoulders, letting me see, touch and experience the world at a height I could not reach alone, but always within the safety of his hands. I always loved the feeling of the wind in my hair, the thrill of being so high off the ground and the comfort of my fathers hands holding onto me. 

Today as I watched my husband lift our daughter to his shoulders and listened to her squeals of delight as she saw the world in a whole new way, I was reminded that God always desires to do the same - lift us up, keep us safe and provide a life full of wonder. 

I love watching my husband as a father to Brighton and I love the way he emulates our heavenly father in his love for her.

Dedicated

Yesterday we dedicated our daughter to the Lord at our church. For us, it is important that we made a public proclamation to raise our daughter in the Christian faith, and to honor her life by submitting to God's will for our family. We hope that Brighton will choose to have the same faith as we do, but until she makes that decision for herself, we are committed to living our life at home and in the world for Jesus.

Both our families attended the service and our pastor was so sweet as he held her and prayed over her - he even gave her a kiss before he handed her back to us! She received a storybook Bible as a gift from the church and we had a little celebration after at a local Italian restaurant.

It was such a special morning. As our pastor held Brighton and prayed for her life, I couldn't help but think about how long Matt and I have waited for this moment. Our daughter was so longed for and so loved before she was even known to us as our child. I am still in awe that we were blessed with her, that after so many years of waiting that our hope was finally fulfilled. She is such a joy and we are so thankful to have an amazing family and community to surround us in this journey.

A blurry screen shot from the dedication video

And one last photo cause those cheeks are just too cute...

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours, wishing you all the best this holiday season. 

God bless you and Merry Christmas!

On My Heart: Baby Girl

I have talked a lot about my pregnancy through my weekly posts, and talked about my heart and the effect this pregnancy (after a loss through adoption) has had on my faith, but I've said very little about my daughter and how I feel about her to date.

I have been a bit cautious in my thoughts about her. Life has been so fragile and messy for us on this road to parenthood, and although we have confirmed via ultrasound that all her organs and her body looked perfectly healthy and whole, I still have had a massive worry in the back of my mind that at any point this could all fall apart.

I hate that I think this way because the truth of the matter is, as much as I worry and fret about my something going wrong with my baby girl, I also have just as many positive thoughts about her.

Sometimes late at night as I'm settling in and she starts moving and kicking like crazy, I'll lay my hand on my stomach and peace just washes over me. I start thinking about her little tiny body and wonder if she will look like me, or look like Matt, or look like a perfect combination of us both. I'll think about her personality - will she have her mama's fire or her daddy's calm; or will she be something entirely different? I'll think about her life to come and her journey to becoming the kind of woman she will want to be. I'll think about how much I already love her and it makes me tear up.

I'm nervous about parenthood - not the early stages of feeding and diapering and rocking her to sleep - I'm talking the actual rearing of her once she is old enough to understand right from wrong and the consequences of her behavior. I want to be a solid, steady being in her life, but more than that, I want to exemplify Christ and His character in my every day so she can have a living example of what a Godly woman looks like. I want her faith, when and if she chooses to believe, to be based on truth and not out of obligation to us. I want her to understand how beautiful and incredibly short this life is, and to take advantage of every opportunity and blessing that comes her way. I want her to have a strong character, to not be constantly swayed by what the world tells her she ought to be and think, but instead for her to use her intelligence and common sense to make decisions. I want her to protect her heart, not just from wayward boys, but also from the heartache of those who do not have good intentions for her life. I want her to be happy, and fulfilled and full of joy.

I wish I could control all of this, but I can't. I can't control if she is going to be healthy and whole at birth. I can't control if she will see all the things we want her to see, and will absorb all the things we will teach her. I can't control if she chooses to believe as we believe.

So I have to relent and let go. Choose faith. Choose to trust my God who tells me that His plans for our lives are good. I know my baby girl will taken care of - she is God's child first, entrusted to me and Matt to raise and care for. I pray that I am a good parent, one that listens first to God and pays less attention to all the parenting advice (and preaching) that is so prevalent in our society. I want to do right by my daughter because I love her so much, because she needs that from me, but mostly because I understand what a huge honor and privilege it is to be her mama. This is going to be a process - trying to control and then letting go. I am praying I get the hang of it sooner than later.

I love my baby girl. I love her so much already it makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. God help me be a good mama to her!

On My Heart: Amendment One

On September 13th, the North Carolina Legislature proposed an amendment to the state Constitution that would ban legal recognition for all unmarried couples, both heterosexual and homosexual, and strip protections and benefits from families across our state who are unmarried or single parents, including those who are widows and widowers.

As an FYI, a law banning same-sex marriage has already been in effect for the last 16 years here; however this amendment would continue to uphold that law, as well as further strip the LGBT community of their rights to be recognized as a family or partnership.

Yesterday was an epic day in my home state of North Carolina. Yesterday, our state’s citizens had a chance to vote for or against this amendment. I voted against the amendment, but too many in my state voted for it. The amendment passed and I am heartbroken and sad for my fellow citizens and ashamed at the ignorance of all who voted for it.

Similar amendments have passed in 30 other states in the U.S. Our President has spoken out against amendments like this because they are discriminatory and the downstream impacts are devastating.

If you have read my blog for anytime now, you know that I am a Christian and have an active relationship with God. The Bible is the guide for my every day life, and I believe that the Holy Spirit, who God left for us on the earth to help us, lives in my heart.

And my heart told me that this amendment is wrong.

Jesus said to love God and love your neighbor. I don’t believe this amendment is the demonstration of loving my brothers and sisters – this is hatred and discrimination, plain and simple.

And before all you other Christians attack me, I fully acknowledge that the Bible states that homosexuality is a sin. But it also states that a lot of other things are sinful – adultery, divorce, anger, murder, not following the law of the land, hatred, jealousy, drunkenness, lust… I could go on and on. Why is the state writing laws that only discriminate against those who are, according to the Christian community, “sinning” in a more public way?

Gay marriage is already illegal in our state and this amendment is just shooting an already dead horse. Gay marriage doesn’t threaten non-gay marriage – there are already enough factors like a 50% plus divorce rate doing that, among both Christian and non-Christian marriages.

Furthermore, when did Christianity become the basis for how our government make decisions? Yes I know the U.S. Constitution had some biblical foundations, but we can no longer call ourselves a Christian nation – our country has too many non-Christian and non-religious members to validate that we continue to make laws based on only one religion. The government should not be in the business of deciding who can and cannot marry – if someone wants a civil union, let them have it! If the church doesn’t want to recognize it, fine, but don’t mix church and state for just this one item when we separate it so much for other important and critical issues in our society.

I’m so sad today that my state passed this amendment. I am heartbroken for the members of my community, some who already feel shamed and isolated for their lifestyle choices, to feel further separated and discriminated against.

For my LGBT brothers and sisters, and my unmarried and single parent friends - I want you to know that I love you and I am sorry that this has transpired.

For the lawmakers of North Carolina - Please separate church and state. Please repeal Amendment One.

On My Heart: Psalm 23

This was written for my small group (Bible study) through my church. Our leader asked us to each pick a Psalm and then journal about it - either in relation to how it's taught you something or in relation to how the Lord has worked in your life. Here is my Psalm:

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil;  My cup overflows. Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life,  And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

As long as I can remember, this Psalm has been one that has brought a lot of comfort to me – when I’m worried, I’ll recite it, when I’m scared I’ll recite it, when I’m depressed I’ll recite it. 

The Psalm is an ongoing picture of life – we are on this long journey with Him, and we are on His path, but it doesn’t mean we won’t be led through times where it feels we are standing in the shadows and darkness of the world. It doesn’t mean that we won’t face our enemies head on, or feel despair, or feel alone. But he always comes through for us – the path is always a path to righteousness. 

Over the last year as I struggled with trusting the Lord with my life and my dreams, especially my dream of being a mother, the one verse that brought me the most comfort and the most conviction is that God asks me to dine with him right on the battlefield – “you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies”. This is an insane concept to me as a human – we’re in the middle of a battle and you want me to stop so I can hang out with you? And eat? While the enemy is coming straight for me?!?

The key here is the focus the Lord asks of us in the midst of struggle – if we look at the work of the enemy, how close they are getting to us, how scary they are, the worst that could happen, then we lose all hope. If we try to fight the battle ourselves, we lose. What He asks of us is to focus on Him, on His work, on His goodness, on His protection. We can’t look in two places at once, and only looking at God is the obedient thing to do – the thing that pulls us through the darkness. 

And then there is the verse – “your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” A rod is used for correction, a staff used for guidance. I have really struggled with marrying the concept of God as a loving father but also a god who “allows” me to be refined in the fire – to be sifted like wheat. I know I need correction, and change of my heart and my mind, but I have really struggled with the idea that when we are hurting God still doesn’t stop this process – as a human it feels like he is kicking me when I’m down. But that’s not it at all. 

All of this correction and guidance while we are in the middle of a battle, reminds me of a children’s story I read once – there was a little boy who was friends with a big dragon. The dragon had heavy scales all over his body and as they traveled together and played together, things kept getting stuck in the dragon’s scales until he became totally unable to fly. The little boy and the dragon tried desperately to remove some of the debris and items from the scales, but nothing worked. The little boy was tugging at one of the pieces of debris and by accident, the scale came off with it. The dragon howled in pain, but immediately felt lighter. The little boy realized that in order to help the dragon get rid of the debris so he could fly again, he would have to remove all the dragon’s scales. He told the dragon his idea, but the dragon protested and cried – it would take so long and it would hurt so much to do that. The boy patiently told the dragon that if he wanted to fly, he would have to remove his scales, but if he chose not to, the little boy would still love him just the same.  Eventually the dragon gave in. The process of removing the scales was painful and long just as the dragon predicted, but at the end of it, the dragon looked brand new – and he could fly again. The story ended with the little boy hoping on the dragon’s back and they flew off into the sunset, the dragon smiling from ear to ear, thanking the little boy for saving him. 

 I know that I can be that dragon sometimes – bogged down with not only my skewed identity, but with all the baggage I have gathered over the years. And I know that the Lord is just like that little boy – he wants to be with me even if I am pulled down by sin and struggle. 

If I would only allow Him to help me and refine me then I could better serve him. I keep forgetting that refinement is painful at times, at least to my human heart, but it is necessary and it means God loves me enough to change me. This is what the Lord means by saying His rod and His staff are comforting – only in our obedience can we be free. 

Obviously, I go through this cycle again and again – walking with the Lord in peace, being able to rest in His grace, and then all of a sudden I am standing in the shadow of the world, in darkness and struggle and I feel lost and afraid and alone. 

But God always says to me, “Come sit, dear one. Come and feast on my love. I’ll protect you and watch over you and make you new again.” And He always follows through, once I relent and let him do His work, and in the end the blessings are so many I cannot count them – my cup overflows.

On Friday a thief, on Sunday a king...

Today marks the annual celebration of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, rising from the dead. I am so thankful to be in a relationship with a loving God and to know He is alive and working in my life daily.

I want to remember, on a daily basis, what a huge sacrifice Christ made for all of us - He died to erase our sins. He died so we might live, and live to the fullest. How amazing is that?!

Praise the One who lives! Happy Easter to you all!

 The post title is the lyrics to "Death In His Grave" by John Mark McMillan.

Turning Chicken Crap Into Chicken Salad

Did I ever tell you about the time we were robbed?

When we bought our little home in the spring of 2007, we knew what the neighborhood was like. It was on the edge of a gentrified area of town, but the remodeling had not yet begun on our street. We were the first to buy in that working-class neighborhood, full of single moms and elderly couples. 



The casa via 2007 (the yard looks a lot better now!)

One Friday night that summer, we were robbed. They took jewelry, two video cameras, some other valuable odds and ends, some food from our fridge and stuffed them in one of Matt's backpacks. They had broken the back door with a crowbar, taking it off its hinges. 

We called the police and filed a report. We started to research alarm systems. We went to bed that night, shaken. We prayed for our safety. We called our insurance agent so we could recover what was lost.

Two Fridays after that, we were robbed again. 

This time they smashed in a window, pulled it out of the frame and came in through our office. They took Matt's laptop and all our DVDs. It seemed to be the same person from the first time because they took a second bag from the same spot to carry the items they took from us.

We were stunned. We knew it could happen once. But twice? It seemed unfathomable. 

The police were unkind and cold this time, warning us to get out of our neighborhood while we could. We went to bed that night afraid and angry. Strangely, I felt compelled to pray for the person who had robbed us. I prayed he would be convicted of his crimes and stop hurting others. I prayed he would be get caught and that justice would prevail. And lastly I prayed for his soul, that he would turn to God and change his life.

We put our house on the market after that. I was afraid to leave the house, afraid of what else this person would do to us. I was sure that he was casing our house, waiting for us to leave. I lived in fear for a month.

Then one afternoon, as we were grocery shopping, a detective called us. She said she had an extraordinary story to tell us:

A few weeks prior, a police officer was driving down the street when he saw a man limping along with blood on his clothes. The officer stopped and asked if he could help, to which the man replied that he might as well take him to jail. The officer asked him why, and the bleeding, limping man admitted that he had just robbed a house and hurt himself as he was fleeing the scene. 

As the officer handcuffed him and sat him in the squad car, the man admitted that he had robbed many houses that summer, almost 40 to be exact.

 The detective then told us that this man had robbed our home. Twice. 

We asked how she knew that, and she said, "He admitted it. He told us he wrote you a letter of apology and gave it to a friend to deliver to your home, but the friend chickened out." 

She then told us that in order for the police to figure out which homes the man had robbed (it's not like the guy kept an excel spreadsheet of the addresses and items he took), they drove him around in a cop car to the areas of town he had stolen from. As they went from house to house, he identified the ones he had broken into, what items, if he could remember, he had taken. 

The detective told us that when they got to our street, the man pointed at our home and said, "I stole from that lady. I took that lady's jewelry and computer. I stole from her twice. She is selling her house. It's probably because of me." The officer who was writing the report noted that he showed great remorse as he talked about our home and "that lady."

In the report, as he went from house to house and described what he had taken, he never mentioned the people he affected. But when he got to our home, he mentioned me. 

I am the only person he referred to in the entire report. We are the only ones he wrote a letter of apology to. I don't think that my prayers and his actions were sheer coincidence. I believe that was God's divine work. We saw justice and grace come to life.

The man went to jail for a long time, and the detective told us that in all her years working on robberies she had never seen a person turn themselves in, or admit that they were sorry for their crimes. We never saw that apology letter, but regardless, we took our house off the market, started to trust our new security system and had hope for our little transitional neighborhood again.

The point of this story: sometimes out of the muck and mire of our lives, something extraordinary happens.  Or as my late grandmother Ginny once said, "God can turn chicken crap into chicken salad."

Happy Weekend!

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Amazed

On Wednesday, I received an email from someone I don't know at all - a 25 year old South African woman who had found this little blog through her doula friend who lives in Los Angeles.

She wrote that she felt compelled to pray for us, for Baby M, and for his biological mother - for their health, and their safety and for his delivery.  I read the email and immediately teared up with gratitude and joy.

I am just absolutely amazed at the kindness and generosity of people.

How amazing is that woman?! She doesn't even know us and yet, she felt compelled to pray and then tell us about it! How amazing is our God?! I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love towards us and our baby to be.

Dear Melissa in South Africa, if you are reading this, please know how much your email blessed me. It overwhelmed me with love. Thank you for your prayers, your kindess and for taking just a moment to encourage me. I promise to pay the good deed foward. God Bless You!

Love Matt & Kara

Readers and friends, I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Next week will be filled with some fun stuff, updates and general blogging goodness.

How about a vote? You're the best.

Good Friday

I am a Christian. Or "born again." Or a Christ-follower Or even a spirit-filled woman of God.

In other words, I love Jesus. I committed my life to him at 14, then again at 19, then again at 23. My early years as a Christian were a roller coaster of faith and doubt - hence me committing myself to Him three times in nine years.

My life has been so very different knowing God, knowing truth and faith and being in a community of other believers. It has not always been easy. I still struggle with my faith sometimes - understanding God's will for my life, and the lives of the people I love the most who have faced heartache, suffering and pain. I know God is good and His intentions for all of us is what Jeremiah says in Chapter 29, verses 11-13:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I have been seeking God's heart for ten solid years now, since my last and final commitment of my life to Him. I have learned so much about His character, about what is required of me, how to be salt and light, how to forgive others and myself, and how to love as He calls us to love. I am not perfect in any of these things, but thankfully Jesus is and He is who I base my identity in.

Today, I am thankful for the last ten years of faith, hope and joy.

Today, I am thankful for my community that carry each other in truth and faith.
Today, I am thankful for this "good" Friday that commemorates the death of my savior.

He died so we might live. Love and Grace to you and yours on this Good Friday.

Thank You

Tuesday's post brought in a lot of comments, messages and texts, and even other blog posts about the dreaded "I" word. I didn't post that prayer to incite a mini love fest, or some sort of feel good campaign for myself. I just wanted to be honest and show that even the strongest of Christians can feel doubt and hope at the same time.

Last night I was telling Matt that I hoped the prayer wasn't too depressing, dark or bitter sounding. I want to be transparent on this blog. It's how I am in my non-blogging life, and I don't want to pretend that everything is kittens and roses all the time. But equally, I want this to be a place where you can come and be inspired, or laugh at silly pictures, or get ideas for your kid's room, or just be a voyeur into someone else's life for a moment - I want to balance the fun and the reality here.

 So, all that to say, thank you. Your words, encouragement, support and virtual hugs were so kind. 

Hi God. It's me, Kara.

April is National Infertility Awareness Month. Unless you've been through it yourself, infertility is hard to relate to. It's a faith-testing, heartbreaking struggle, a condition that comes with or without a diagnosis with "cures" that aren't cut and dry. Throughout the last four years, I always come back to God for some clarity, for some understanding why this is happening to me and to so many others. This was my prayer yesterday:

Hi God. It's me, Kara. I've been thinking. Maybe too much. You know what it's about, what it's always about.

Last week one of my precious friends put her arms around my neck, hugged me tight, told me quietly in my ear that she had prayed for me all week, shed tears on my behalf. As I pulled away, she looked me in the eye and said with conviction, "It's time. It's time for this baby to come." And I agreed. How could I not?

I feel the disease of impatience upon me, eating away at my sanity. How much longer do we wait? Everyone always asks, "Any news?" and then, "How long did they tell you that this process would take?" Three months. Six months. A year. Maybe more. Sometimes I'm honest and say I don't know. There is no crystal ball, for adoption, or anything else for that matter. The light goes only as far as my feet; I can't see anything past that.

People like to offer up formulas, as though my actions have anything to do with your will. Eliminate gluten and sugar, eat organic, don't eat raw foods, do yoga, don't exercise too much, take a vacation, go to a therapist, pray more, ask for healing, just relax. These pieces of advice sometimes make me want to punch someone. In the face. Hard. Can't they tell I don't need their advice or want their pity? I just want someone to say, "That sucks." and then hug me.

God, you do what you want and sometimes it just doesn't make sense to me. I'll never understand your will on this side of life, but I cannot help but try to make heads or tails of this struggle. I keep thinking that if I learn this lesson, or let you further refine me, or become enlightened due to a spiritual truth, that you'll reward me with what I want most. But that is not how you work.

This isn't really suffering. You remind me daily that it could be much worse. I could have cancer. I could be homeless. I could be swept away by a tidal wave. I know that what I feel is just an inkling of heartache, that I've just scratched the surface of it. I can sense that gooey center, the quicksand of it. Some days I am tempted to dive right in, to let myself drown in what the enemy would like for me to believe.

How is it that you tell us to be fruitful and multiply, but also say that you're the author of life? Do we have any say in this at all? How can I be obedient to you if you haven't healed me?

And how is it that sometimes it's like your voice is audible - in my own head and sometimes through the mouths of others - and sometimes all I hear is a deafening silence. I know you're still there in the quiet, but it just makes me more impatient to not hear from you when I need you the most.

How can I love and hate you at the same time? I hate you for your silence, for this life that feels so very chaotic and serene all at once, for having joy at times in the bottom of my despair, for the lightness I feel in the midst of my dark thoughts. But I also love you for all of that, the good with the bad and your will for my life, despite me thinking I know better.

And I don't know better. I thought I would at this age.

I'm not bitter, I'm just expectant. It's as though I've been crouched at the start line of a race, waiting for the gun to fire. My legs ache from waiting. My arms ache from waiting.

My heart aches from waiting.

Seven Months

Today marks seven months of being a "waiting family." Each month that passes feels like it both speeds by and slowly drags along. I am trying to make some sense of this wait, but I cannot muster up an explanation, except to say this: 

God's timing is always perfect.

I have to believe it, for myself, for my husband, for the child that will belong to us someday.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. - Romans 5:3-5

Thankful

This afternoon I was reminded in multiple ways how thankfulness transforms - it changes our poor, sour outlooks into something full of life and light.

This week we had a few snafus, some small, some large. I was in a foul mood most of the week and complained and whined like a baby about it at one point. I am not proud of myself for acting so immature, so ungrateful and bitter.

God is always so good to us regardless. 

I was reminded today, through two precious friends, that it can always be worse. That I have so much to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for my God, who loves me despite my sin.

I am thankful for my husband, who is the hardest working man I know.

I am thankful for my parents who are wise and wonderful.

I am thankful for my friends, who are my second family.

I am thankful for my home, in all its comfort.

I am thankful for my dog Bella who is the best greeter I know.

I am thankful for my cat Tiny who purrs whenever he sees me. 

I am thankful for the small things: coffee, sunshine, cherry blossoms.

I am thankful for warm hugs, deep conversations, messages full of encouragement. 

I am thankful for this outlet to share my heart and my life.

What are you thankful for today?


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Lent

Lent is the season leading up to Easter Sunday where Christians reflect and fast in preparation and to show their devotion to God. I was not raised Catholic, or in any denomination of Christianity that observed Lent. However, in the past few years, Matt and I have taken up the tradition of sacrificing something during Lent.

This year, I am giving up sugar.

I have a terrible sweet tooth, I am addicted to Diet Coke and Coke Zero and also coffee.

Via



Via

Via

 

 Sugar is my downfall. It's what I crave and it's also what makes me chubby. There I admitted it. I'm holding onto some extra weight from the holidays and from eating poorly over the last few months. I eat poorly when I'm stressed... and this waiting game has gotten the best of me. I need some discipline!

I'm hoping this absence of sweetness will help my weight, but more so, I am hoping that the lack of sweetness on my tongue will push me to seek out the sweetness of God instead - His grace, kindness and mercy.

Dear readers, do you observe Lent? If so, what are you "giving up" this season?

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Merry Christmas

We rejoice in the birth of Jesus, who came to this earth as a man, lived 33 years of perfection and sacrificed His life so that we could all be free. I am so thankful and humbled by the grace He has shown us in 2010. Our God is an awesome god, and His love overwhelms me.

I don't know why, but this Christmas feels different than the rest. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and realize that life is so very short; maybe it's because my faith is more grounded than its ever been; maybe it's because this is the last Christmas I'll have before I become a mother. It's probably all of the above. :)

Whether you believe what we believe or something else entirely, we want to wish you and your families a peaceful, safe and joyful holiday season. Love and blessings to you and yours.
Merry Christmas!