On My Heart: Baby Girl

I have talked a lot about my pregnancy through my weekly posts, and talked about my heart and the effect this pregnancy (after a loss through adoption) has had on my faith, but I've said very little about my daughter and how I feel about her to date.

I have been a bit cautious in my thoughts about her. Life has been so fragile and messy for us on this road to parenthood, and although we have confirmed via ultrasound that all her organs and her body looked perfectly healthy and whole, I still have had a massive worry in the back of my mind that at any point this could all fall apart.

I hate that I think this way because the truth of the matter is, as much as I worry and fret about my something going wrong with my baby girl, I also have just as many positive thoughts about her.

Sometimes late at night as I'm settling in and she starts moving and kicking like crazy, I'll lay my hand on my stomach and peace just washes over me. I start thinking about her little tiny body and wonder if she will look like me, or look like Matt, or look like a perfect combination of us both. I'll think about her personality - will she have her mama's fire or her daddy's calm; or will she be something entirely different? I'll think about her life to come and her journey to becoming the kind of woman she will want to be. I'll think about how much I already love her and it makes me tear up.

I'm nervous about parenthood - not the early stages of feeding and diapering and rocking her to sleep - I'm talking the actual rearing of her once she is old enough to understand right from wrong and the consequences of her behavior. I want to be a solid, steady being in her life, but more than that, I want to exemplify Christ and His character in my every day so she can have a living example of what a Godly woman looks like. I want her faith, when and if she chooses to believe, to be based on truth and not out of obligation to us. I want her to understand how beautiful and incredibly short this life is, and to take advantage of every opportunity and blessing that comes her way. I want her to have a strong character, to not be constantly swayed by what the world tells her she ought to be and think, but instead for her to use her intelligence and common sense to make decisions. I want her to protect her heart, not just from wayward boys, but also from the heartache of those who do not have good intentions for her life. I want her to be happy, and fulfilled and full of joy.

I wish I could control all of this, but I can't. I can't control if she is going to be healthy and whole at birth. I can't control if she will see all the things we want her to see, and will absorb all the things we will teach her. I can't control if she chooses to believe as we believe.

So I have to relent and let go. Choose faith. Choose to trust my God who tells me that His plans for our lives are good. I know my baby girl will taken care of - she is God's child first, entrusted to me and Matt to raise and care for. I pray that I am a good parent, one that listens first to God and pays less attention to all the parenting advice (and preaching) that is so prevalent in our society. I want to do right by my daughter because I love her so much, because she needs that from me, but mostly because I understand what a huge honor and privilege it is to be her mama. This is going to be a process - trying to control and then letting go. I am praying I get the hang of it sooner than later.

I love my baby girl. I love her so much already it makes my heart feel like it's going to burst. God help me be a good mama to her!