To all the mothers out there:
Happy Mother's Day! You are wonderful. Your self-sacrifice, kindness and care for your children does not go unnoticed. I wish I could be like you! Love, Kara
To all the women who want to be a mother and are struggling with it, here is something for you. I wrote this at the beginning of our journey and think the message will bring you some encouragement:
I am childless. Less. Less. Less. That word bothers me. As though I am lacking something I need, not something I want. Failure also bothers me. It is a word that comes to me month after month. Although no one says it, I can hear it resonating in my ears.
People give advice, they tell stories, give formulas. None of it brings me comfort. We make our plans. We pick out things, we daydream, we look for signs. We do and we do not and still the Lord's will is done. It is above my understanding why I struggle with this. I have always gotten everything I wanted, if I tried hard enough, or through luck, or because it was meant to be. Is this meant to be? Being less?
We see things the way we want them to be seen. We mistake good for bad; we look at loss and think it can't be of God. He loves us too much. What if He loves me so much He wants me all to himself? Isn't the Lord selfish by nature, wanting all the love, all the worship, all the glory? What if this life, this life of being a wife and not a mother is what He wanted all along? Being childless lets me live my life the way I see fit. We can travel, have sex on the kitchen floor, spend money on things we want, not things we need.
Will I still love and follow Him if he never gives me the desires of my heart? I cannot answer this yet. I am afraid of what I will say. I rationalize and distract myself. I talk about it until I am tired of hearing my voice. And when I am finally done with my way, I stop and listen to Him. He always takes His time telling me, but when He does the message is always the same: I love you.
I don't feel like less when He says it. Those words chip away at the hard places in me and I remember to hope, remember that I am greater than the birds, the stones, remember that all that is lost is restored, even if I will never see it. He has always come through for me. He has always loved me, making being my "less" ok because He is, and always will be, more.
Be encouraged. You are not alone. Love, Kara
Happy Mother's Day! You are wonderful. Your self-sacrifice, kindness and care for your children does not go unnoticed. I wish I could be like you! Love, Kara
To all the women who want to be a mother and are struggling with it, here is something for you. I wrote this at the beginning of our journey and think the message will bring you some encouragement:
I am childless. Less. Less. Less. That word bothers me. As though I am lacking something I need, not something I want. Failure also bothers me. It is a word that comes to me month after month. Although no one says it, I can hear it resonating in my ears.
People give advice, they tell stories, give formulas. None of it brings me comfort. We make our plans. We pick out things, we daydream, we look for signs. We do and we do not and still the Lord's will is done. It is above my understanding why I struggle with this. I have always gotten everything I wanted, if I tried hard enough, or through luck, or because it was meant to be. Is this meant to be? Being less?
We see things the way we want them to be seen. We mistake good for bad; we look at loss and think it can't be of God. He loves us too much. What if He loves me so much He wants me all to himself? Isn't the Lord selfish by nature, wanting all the love, all the worship, all the glory? What if this life, this life of being a wife and not a mother is what He wanted all along? Being childless lets me live my life the way I see fit. We can travel, have sex on the kitchen floor, spend money on things we want, not things we need.
Will I still love and follow Him if he never gives me the desires of my heart? I cannot answer this yet. I am afraid of what I will say. I rationalize and distract myself. I talk about it until I am tired of hearing my voice. And when I am finally done with my way, I stop and listen to Him. He always takes His time telling me, but when He does the message is always the same: I love you.
I don't feel like less when He says it. Those words chip away at the hard places in me and I remember to hope, remember that I am greater than the birds, the stones, remember that all that is lost is restored, even if I will never see it. He has always come through for me. He has always loved me, making being my "less" ok because He is, and always will be, more.
Be encouraged. You are not alone. Love, Kara
Hi Kara,
ReplyDeleteThis might be really weird, but for some reason God has really laid it on my heart to say this. I have been keeping up with your blog for a few months now and your story has really touched me. Today at church, our pastor recognized how hard of a day this can be for some women. Not just those who have not been able to have children, but also those who have lost children, or have children on the wrong path of life. I imagine Mother's Day was hard for my mom while she and my dad tried for years to conceive. I was adopted. I think adoption is the most beautiful thing in the world. I completely believe that giving birth is not what makes you a mother, but rather loving and nurturing a child is what truly makes you a mother. While we prayed in today in church, I really cried out to God for you. I do not know what you are going through in any way, and I am sorry that you have this deep longing that is still waiting to be fulfilled. I prayed for your adoption. I prayed that God would work in his perfect time (and I may have also prayed for him to speed up the process, if it is his will.). I know that I have been so blessed to have been adopted into the family that I was. When I think about it, it could seem like random chance that out of all the families I could have been placed with, it was mine. But really, God knew what he was doing. God placed me right where he wanted me to be, for sure. His timing is perfect.
Lindsey
It's a little hard for me to relate to this because I am not religious at all... but, with that being said I do want you to know: I do have faith and I really do believe that one day you are going to make a little lucky baby very very happy.
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