I have never been a person who has struggled with sadness - the kind of deep, debilitating sadness that overtakes your mind, heart and life. I feel blessed that I have not lived with the spirit of depression (to date) in my life - I have seen many friends suffer through it and know how taxing it can be.
Nevertheless, I have gone through seasons of difficulty that have resulted in times of great sadness; and I have also gone through seasons of change - good and bad - that have resulted in times of grief over that change.
Now is one of those times - I am grieving. I have a small case of "the blues" of the pre-partum variety.
I mentioned this briefly last week, but the reality of our family going from two to three has hit me smack in the face. I knew that this pregnancy would come to an end (I mean that's why they give a due date!) and I knew that things between Matt and I would change and adjust; but the actual cold, hard reality of it never occurred to me until we took our babymoon.
I have been so blessed, so lucky and so incredibly spoiled in the last eight years with Matt. We have built an incredible life together - we are each other's best friend, confidant and helpmate. We have created a family out of both blood relatives and our wonderful friends. We have helped the other grow and change spiritually, emotionally, personally and professionally. We have endured a lot of external hardships together - job loss, financial struggles, family drama, our battle with infertility and the loss of a child to name a few. We have sacrificed and worked hard to get out of debt, to build a safety net for ourselves and we survived a four year remodel of our home (and still wanted to take on more). We have created a strong relationship with each other through love, care and respect.
Our life together is solid, build on the rock of our faith in Jesus, but also on the years learning and pushing and struggling and growing together. My heart already feels so full with my love and respect and affection for my husband - it is hard to understand how I can make room for my daughter without cutting out pieces that belong to my husband.
I am sad that this season of life is ending, especially when I have worked so hard to make it what it is. I know who I am, what I am capable of, what I am not capable of and what I need to do to continue to become the kind of woman whose life reflects and honors the Lord. I know how to be a loyal friend, a loving daughter, a strong professional, a passionate wife. I know how to love God when it's just my husband's heart and my own heart to worry and pray about.
What I do not know is how to do all of this and be who I am with a child. I'm scared to lose myself in motherhood - the way I have seen so many women do; women who are now filled with regret that they only allowed themselves to fit into the category of "mom". I'm scared that the life I have built with Matt will suffer under the weight of raising a child. I am scared that our relationship will change in a way that will compromise what we have worked so hard to hold sacred and true between us.
Please understand me - I love my daughter and I cannot wait to meet her, hold her, love her and raise her. I have waited so long for this and even though I have a tiny case of the pre-partum blues, I fully understand how blessed I am to be pregnant and to have the honor and privilege of carrying this child.
But I am sad to lose this time, this life, this season as a family of two. I am sad that the person I am now is about to change in a drastic and necessary way. Last week, on the last night of our babymoon, I sat watching the sunset with Matt and cried knowing all of this was coming to an end.
I know life will still be good; it will just be a different kind of good. I know my heart will expand as so many have told me it will; that my love for Matt will deepen in a way that I wouldn't experience unless we became parents together. I know Brighton will bring immense joy to our lives and we will look back and not regret any of it.
My small case of the pre-partum blues will be over soon. Until my daughter is welcomed into the world, I am going to try to live fully in the present, I am going to count my blessings and I am going to relish every moment with Matt. I love my life and I love my husband. I love the family we are now, but I know I'll love the family we'll become even more once our daughter is here with us.
Everything you are feeling is SO normal. When I was pregnant with my first son, I was driving home one day when it hit me. It would never be just Dave and I again. I sobbed the rest of the way home. I felt horrible for feeling that way about the arrival of our child. I think it was almost necesary in a way to acknowledge that. I think it's a good sign that your relationship is so special to you. We now have 2 beautiful little boys (4 & 1.5). There is obviously less time for just us, but we make it a priority. Even if it's at home on a Friday night after they go to bed. We spend time together. We go on date nights and plan little trips together. Our relationshipo is at the top of my list b/c it not only benefits us, but our kids as well. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is totally normal. I think especially so as a pregnancy wanes and the reality of baby being here is very present. I felt it with number one, almost a panic as I realized I had no idea what I was getting myself into and I couldn't imagine ever loving a child as much as I loved my husband. It was different but the same as I prepared for number two and then worried that I was "ruining" things because what our family of three had going was so great at the time. I realized, and I am sure you will too, that once baby is here you will be amazed how you ever felt fulfilled before them. I believe there is a quote that says that love is the only thing that can be divided many times and never diminished. It's very true.
ReplyDeleteJeni - I love that quote!
Deletei know exactly how you feel, as do many, many women. it IS a loss, coming to the end of your two-person family and bringing another one in, and it's important to let yourself feel whatever comes up as you navigate it. i remember going out to dinner with my husband a few days before our daughter was born and observing that it was probably our last dinner out as just the two of us--he said to me, "nobody's DYING, you know, we'll go out again!" but for me it was a really deep pain and sorrow, accompanied by a tremendous amount of fear about what was to come and whether i was up to the task. there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, even when you wanted and planned and went to great lengths to have a child. anyone who would criticize you for those feelings is in some denial about their own.
ReplyDeletethat said, it's also important to recognize when you've moved out of the realm of normal adjustment and into the territory of depression. i'm not suggesting that you have, or that you will, and i don't mean to sound like a downer as you approach this very happy occasion, but the truth is that many, many women experience some depression after their child's birth, and it usually starts before delivery. unlike you, i had a history of several depressive episodes over the course of my life, starting early in childhood, and yet i was still so surprised (and ashamed!) to find myself seriously depressed and profoundly anxious after our daughter arrived. i was lucky to have a lot of resources, both human and material, that enabled me to get the help i needed quickly and get back on my feet, but lots of women suffer unnecessarily. i think there were a lot of factors that contributed to my depression and anxiety, most of them unique to my situation, including a belief that i should be solely and overwhelmingly happy about my baby, never scared shitless or too tired to deal with her. i also found breastfeeding to be far more challenging than i expected, and although we were ultimately successful (more so than i had planned!), the anxiety that arose out of concerns over how much my daughter nursed and whether she was gaining enough weight really took a toll. again, i don't mean to suggest that it will happen to you, only that there is a whole range of emotions that accompany the birth of a child, and just because they're not all pleasant doesn't mean they're not also normal. and just because you sometimes feel angry or terrified or totally wiped out doesn't mean you don't still love your baby more than anything.
because i can also tell you that the love you will experience for your daughter--maybe the moment you lay eyes on her, maybe the next day, or the next week, but at some point--is unlike anything you have ever experienced. the love you have for your husband can't compare to it--and i love my husband, believe me. they're two different kinds of love, like two species of the same animal. before my kids were born i could never have imagined anything that meant more to me than my own life. you will find ways to continue to be the person you are even after you become a mom; some of it will take time, there will be things to figure out and renegotiate, but if you make yourself a priority it will happen, and your daughter will be the better for having a mom whose world doesn't just revolve around her.
Thank you Vikki. I am praying I don't experience post-partum depression or anxiety, but if I do, there is plenty of support in our lives and I will try to not beat myself up over it!!
DeleteKara, I found your blog via Erika's blog Something Beautiful. I've read a few of your posts over the past couple of weeks, but this one really stood out to me. My husband and I are the proud new parents of our two week old baby girl #2 (named Brighton Hope, coincidentally enough... I'd love to hear how you chose your daughter's name, though perhaps you've posted about that in the past), and we have been marveling about how love works. Just this evening, my husband posted his thoughts to his twitter account, "Amazing that in the economy of God's Kingdom, love isn't a limited commodity. My love isn't divided, it grows exponentially with each relationship." This evening, I have been amazed at how differently the Kingdom of God operates when compared with the ever inevitable division and breakdown of the earthly kingdom in which we live. I am fully confident that as you follow Him into this adventure called parenthood, you will by His grace, experience this exponential growth. All the best to you, to your husband, and to your Brighton.
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't know anyone else who had a daughter named Brighton. We did post about it a few weeks ago when we announced the name so you can see the reasoning there. :)
DeleteThank you for your kind words.
I looked up your post from a few weeks ago. What a sweet, sweet, name with a full meaning. We, too, don't know anyone else with a daughter named Brighton. We decided on Brighton Hope as a reference to the 3rd verse of Great is Thy Faithfulness..."strength for day, and bright hope for tomorrow, blessings all mine with 10,000 beside." Came up with it a few weeks before we got pregnant, and just knew that if we had a girl that would be her name. And since we have a very common last name, we were looking for something a little unusual, so it just fit perfectly. Congrats again on your little gift!
ReplyDelete