On My Heart: I'm aiming for love

I had grand plans this past week. I was going to blog, finally finish Brighton's first year photo album/scrapbook, organize my closet, go grocery shopping and most importantly have a date night in with Matt. 

Then life got in the way. It always does. First Matt had stomach flu, then I did, then Brighton had a head cold that turned into a sinus infection. Then I caught her cold. Then we had church obligations, and I had a girls night, and a baby shower plus work and the laundry and cooking. Add to that all the drama in our community of friends and family that has taken on a life of its own and I just wanted to get through the week without pouring a bowl sized glass of wine for myself every night.

If I'm totally honest, I have not handled the past few months well. I've written about it before, but there has been a lot of terrible, tragic things happen over the fall and winter to multiple friends and to people in my community. There has been loss, but more than that, so much brokenness: broken hearts, broken relationships, broken trust, broken faith.

So much of my world right now is unpacking and processing lies. For the sake of my friends and family, I have to be vague on this blog, but this winter has unveiled a lot of deception, wrong-doing and manipulation. Top each of those with a lack of ownership for actively participating in all of it and a lack of conviction to confess, and a lack of courage to set things right and it makes for a tangled and ugly situation.

There isn't a how-to manual for handling situations like this. Do I forgive? Of course, but how much grace should be extended? And is extending grace covering up justice? How do we enable trust after so much falsehood weaved it's way into our lives? How do we love people while they are actively doing wrong and hurting others? How do we stand for what is right and not cause further loss, or dissension, or doubt?

I've been advised to be full of love, but to be careful. To not speak of what has happened, but to say what is right in the right time. To be a curator of peace and vulnerability, but to also be a tower of strength. It's exhausting to be all of those things in the midst of a struggle when everyone is just crying out for mercy and recovery. I hurt with them, trying to make sense of why we are often the creators of our own destruction, and why we have such a hard time recovering from our brokenness.

I am struggling with this season of winter and loss and doubt, which feels like it will never end.

In the meantime, my prayer is for courage and for perseverance. I'm trying to manifest a faith that does not waver in the face of fear. I'm searching for what is right and clinging to truth. I hope I can grasp even a sliver of that goodness as things splinter off, split and smash around me.

Above all, I'm aiming for love - real and unconditional love. The kind that reaches farther than you thought possible, and presses in when the ugliness of the struggle is bigger than you can handle. The kind that is only made real when tested and pushed and stretched.

Love is what I want this winter, for my friends, my family, my community and even for this long fight against all the loss we have endured together. Love seems to be what has been forgotten. So I'm aiming for love.