Motherhood

Confession: I have been avoiding talking about our adoption. About a month ago, when Matt was in Salt Lake City, and I was having a crazy week at work, I went into a little emotional breakdown about the fact that I am still not a mother. I knew I needed to think of other things for a while to get me out of my funk. Focusing on myself, my sorrows or even my troubles makes it worse - at least for me.

But one thing I cannot stop thinking about, no matter how sad I get at times, is motherhood - what it means, how if defines you as a person and what it takes to be a mom. I'm starting to really think about what kind of mother I want to be.  Each one of us can claim something our parents did wrong, or name something we wish they had done differently.  But as I think about the kind of mother I want to be to my future children it comes down to this:

I want to love them fiercely and with intention.
I want to be focused on the details of their hearts and minds.
I want to cultivate an environment of creativity.
I want to admit my faults and move on.

I want to love them fiercely and with intention.
When I think about how my mother loved me and how I watch my friends love their children I see a pattern of intensity and focus that is mind blowing. A friend calls it her "mama bear syndrome" - that wild, savage love that, when called into action, demands respect and awe. I'm not saying my friends or even my mother were/are wild women yelling and growling at everyone to protect their babe - what I am trying to describe is the passionate love that a mother has for her child.

I know I will have that too, but I want it to translate into something more than caring for just safety and well-being - I want to love them fiercely and with intention so they understand God's love for them, their parent's love for them, the difference between right and wrong and how to navigate this wacky world we live in. I want them to hear my voice (or better yet God's voice) when they are at a crossroads of choice - especially when the right way isn't clear. I want to think before I instruct and discipline and I want to be intentional in my actions. I want them to have faith in our love for them, in God's grace and love  and in God's intention for their lives.  I would rather my kiddo look back on their childhood and say, "My mom was strict, and she she got on my nerves with all her instruction and constant godly wisdom, but I am so thankful for it now" than say, "I wish she had told me this, or that. I wish she had taught me this or that."



I want to be focused on the details of their hearts and minds.
I want to focus more on my children's hearts and minds and less on the things that don't matter. I have heard (and read about) parents regretting getting caught up in the competition between other parents - when their kid first rolled over, or spoke, or walked, or sang their ABC's; the number of after-school activities they registered for, or what pre-schools are the best for second language development; heck even how the child is brought into this world (hospital vs. home birth) seems to be a competition among parents. We all are privy to that sort of prideful and self-promoting ridiculousness - I am no better than anyone who struggles with this. But I just don't want to focus on it.


I want to raise my kids and know them - know what they think and feel; bring Jesus' truth to their little spirits; teach them kindness, grace and mercy. I want to show them that there is more to life than being "better" than someone else, that being an individual and having your own opinions, even if they are different from everyone else's, is perfectly ok. I want to be in tune with my kids.



I want to cultivate an environment of creativity.
This probably has less to do with being a mother and is more specific to who Matt and I are and who we are related to (by both blood and law) and who we socialize with. We are very lucky to be family and friends with a host of amazing musicians, artists, sculptors, filmmakers, graphic designers and writers. We were both lucky enough to be raised in homes where creativity was encouraged - and not just in the arts. I feel like that emphasis of being creative was what helped shape both my self-esteem and my passions as both a child and an adult. If our kid wants to be a linebacker or a scientist and not a painter, that is wonderful too! There is creativity in everything. I desire for our children to be comfortable with their imaginations, thoughts and ideas and for us to be constant encouragers of their creativity.


I want to admit my faults and move on.
How many parents beat themselves up for wishing they had done something differently or "better"? Heck, I do that now and it's a poor habit. All it does, for me at least, is cause me to look back and not be present in the here and now. I don't want to miss those precious, short years with my children at home with me and I don't want to spend any more time regretting my faults or mistakes. I don't want to start this habit with my kids. I know I'll screw up. Matt will too. I just want to make it right and move on.



I know that in the early phases of my child's life, I will be a frazzled mess like any parent of a newborn is. I'll be lucky to eat a hot meal or take a shower some days. I'm fully aware that my job as a parent in those days will be to feed, clothe, clean, and soothe my child - and I'll do it because I love the kiddo. But once that child becomes less like a eating/sleeping/pooping blob, and their personality starts to develop, and their preferences start to develop, and then their language, and more of their personality, and their temper develops, and they become a little person who needs instruction, care and discipline in addition to the basics - this is where my desires for motherhood come alive.

And I can't wait. I know I'm not going to be perfect, but I am looking forward to meeting this new me that will develop - the "Mama Me". I hope to meet her soon.