Have you seen "It's a Funny Kind of Story"? It's an excellent movie and in it, one of the characters quotes a line by Bob Dylan - "He not busy being born is busy dying." Goodness, how true that feels today.
I am 32 and a half and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or is it just me?
Sometimes I look at Matt and I think, "God, we're so old." And then other days, I look at him and think, "We're so young. We have our whole lives ahead of us." Maybe I am product of our culture. We value youth so much. And 35 is middle-aged if you only live until you're 70.
Frick, that is a depressing thought.
I don't want to let the dreams inside me die. But every time I get close to one of them, really close, where I can see all the tiny details and the incredibly ridiculous hard work that I'll have to pull off in order to make that dream come true, I get so tired. And then I want to give up.
It's so exhausting to hope. I have this novel in me. I can hear lines of it floating around in my head. The outline of it, even the closing paragraph. The other night as I read a book in bed, I started to feel a tightness in my chest. It was, I think... conviction. I knew I was supposed to be doing something more besides this job that eats away at all of my time and energy, more than wasting my time reading blogs and recipes and Facebook.
Life is so very short. I don't want to waste one more moment of it being afraid of failure, or rejection, or using my "fatigue" as an excuse or cop-out.
I need to believe that I can finish this thing in me that has begun. I need to believe that I can do something more with my life. This can't be it. I look at my friends who are doing what they love - teaching, ministry, raising kids, making art and music.
That can be me too. Right?
this was encouraging, and convicting...
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely, Kara... It is funny- I have the same feelings a lot of the time about how tired I am and how it is just too much work to get XYZ started, much less completed. But the times I just push ahead anyway are the times that I recognize the Lord's hand helping me along the way- it is just Satan trying to hold you back, girl. You so totally got this!
ReplyDeleteOut of these feelings, something great is born. stay with the feeling, don't push it back. (born of my own life experiences)
ReplyDeleteyes ma'am! i hear you. i want to read your novel!! and i have a feeling that others will too.
ReplyDeleteHi Kara!
ReplyDeleteI am a new follower; I found you through Top Baby Blogs via Boho Baby Bump (I think it is so cute that you guys are both on there, and are real-life friends too!). I read a few of your newer posts and then decided I should start at the beginning... your story is amazing! I felt compelled to comment on this post because I was also an English major in college and I know this feeling all too well. I hope that this conviction you wrote about here has stayed with you and you have started/will start your novel! Writing is so therapeutic and we need to let that creativity out one way or another... don't let fear stop you! Do what you love!