Fall

Yesterday morning was a breezy 71 degrees. As I got out of my car and headed out to the street from my parking deck to walk uptown to work, it was as though you could smell fall in the air. And while most of my friends were talking about how excited they were that the weather was cooler and that fall was right around the corner, I felt my heart sink.

I do not ever wish for fall. I don’t wish for changing leaves, or scarves or pumpkin flavored coffee or beer. I don’t wish for paler skin and darker hair, as every fall my hairdresser talks me into more low-lights. I don’t wish for Halloween, or Thanksgiving, or dried corn wreathes on doors. I don't dream about mountain retreats with fireplaces and cozy blankets.

I have self-diagnosed SAD – seasonal affective disorder. Not in the sense that I become depressed without enough sunlight (although they do say that a Vitamin D deficiency does cause depression), but in the fact that every year as children start to go back to school, and the weather gets cooler and the impending daylight savings change pops up on the calendar, I feel so sad.

Maybe it’s because I like bright colors and in the fall everything is muted and brown.

Maybe it’s because I simply do not like cold weather.

Maybe it’s because we start to spend more time inside as the nights get darker earlier.

Maybe it’s because my birthday is in the fall and I hate getting older.

Maybe it’s because fall means the year is about to end and I think about what I have done and not done with my life to date.

Honestly, I think it’s all of those things and more.

Fall is not my season. My feet long for flip flops, not boots. My shoulders long for a tank top or sundress, not a cardigan or a jacket. I like iced coffee best, beer that tastes like oranges and honey, fruit that can be picked directly from a patch or a bush down the road. I long for cookouts in my backyard, the sun on our faces, the smell of grilling and the sound of people laughing. I enjoy that water-logged feeling after a day at the pool or the lake. I dream about the beach, sand in the floorboards of my car, wet towels hung over porch railings.

I feel healthier in the summer, more carefree in the summer, more beautiful in the summer, more alive in the summer.

Maybe fall is the season that takes away brightness for a time so we can rejuvenate and become something more when spring begins. Isn’t that how God designed the seasons? We live so fully in the spring and summer, and maybe He is forcing us to slow down, hibernate, allow all the dying things in us to be swept to the street so He can make something new and bright in us.

Maybe I am just trying to reason my way into liking fall.

Although I do not wish for changing leaves, or scarves, or pumpkin flavored coffee and beer, once I am resigned to looking at the beautiful oranges, yellows and reds in the trees, with a loose scarf around my neck and a hot drink in my hand, I start to enjoy it a little.

But this fall, my son will be born. Maybe he will redeem this season for me after all. :)