I called this post, "Dude, really?" because that has mostly been my mental response to some of the questions and comments I have received since getting pregnant. I have seen similar lists before (like this one, and this one), but this is MY version - these are things that were actually asked or said to me that I felt were weird, invasive or inappropriate.
So how did it happen?
This question comes up a lot from acquaintances who know that we were struggling to get pregnant and in the middle of the adoption process - I have some grace for this because I understand their curiosity. Part of me wants to reply with "Don't you know where babies come from?!?" but normally I just smile and say, "It's a miracle! Isn't it great?"
It's so amazing/crazy/funny how things work out in the end! Aren't you glad it happened this way? I know a friend/cousin/neighbor/co-worker that adopted and then got pregnant!!!
It IS amazing how life works, but if God wanted me to be pregnant right now, it would have happened regardless of whether or not our adoption went through.
We lost a child when our adoption failed and went through massive heartache because of that loss. Although we are so blessed with the gift of pregnancy, I wish that we had not gone through four and a half years of trying plus a failed adoption to get to this point. I don't understand why our story was written this way.
And P.S. - We didn't adopt and get pregnant like your friend/cousin/neighbor/co-worker. Our adoption failed and we got pregnant. It's not the same scenario.
And P.S. - We didn't adopt and get pregnant like your friend/cousin/neighbor/co-worker. Our adoption failed and we got pregnant. It's not the same scenario.
What is your birth plan?
This is SUCH a personal decision. I have done a lot of research, and talked to a lot of other friends who are mothers about our options. Normally this question comes from mothers (that I am not close friends with) who had a home birth, a birth at a birthing center, or an unmedicated hospital birth, so my answer (I'm having our baby in our local, amazing hospital with a certified nurse-midwife) either shocks them or elicits another set of concerned questions and opinions that I didn't solicit.
And yes, I saw "The Business of Being Born". I'm still having our daughter in a hospital.
And yes, I saw "The Business of Being Born". I'm still having our daughter in a hospital.
Do you plan to breastfeed?
Typically this question comes from the same group that asked me about my birth plan - and the answer is yes. But part of me wants to be rebellious and say that we'll only be using the cheap, generic non-organic formula from Wal-Mart because I don't want my breasts to get saggy.
And before everyone starts lecturing me in the comments, I am pro-breastfeeding and I am pro-formula too. I am pro mothers feeding their children however they need to!
And before everyone starts lecturing me in the comments, I am pro-breastfeeding and I am pro-formula too. I am pro mothers feeding their children however they need to!
You didn't test for Downs Syndrome? But you're older, right? I would if I were you.
I'm 33. I'm not that old. Geez. And even if our baby has Downs, that won't change a thing. We are in love with her no matter what.
Disclaimer: I'm sure I sound like a bitter hag in this post - I really don't have any bitterness at all about these questions, but I think it's funny that the minute you get pregnant people ask the most personal things, feel like they can give you any and all advice and tell you their horror stories about pregnancy, birth and parenthood.
What are some of the crazy questions people have asked you during pregnancy?
Disclaimer: I'm sure I sound like a bitter hag in this post - I really don't have any bitterness at all about these questions, but I think it's funny that the minute you get pregnant people ask the most personal things, feel like they can give you any and all advice and tell you their horror stories about pregnancy, birth and parenthood.
What are some of the crazy questions people have asked you during pregnancy?
You do not sound like a bitter hag :). You'd be surprised at what people think they can and cannot say to a pregnant woman. My favorite was towards the end of my pregnancy people would say, "You're ready to pop." Umm..no I'm not going to pop. For some reason it really irked me. I may have looked like a balloon by that point, but goodness no I wasn't going to pop. People also felt that they could touch my belly without asking. I wanted to get a shirt that said, "You can look, but DON'T touch." Now that I'm not pregnant I guess I can look back on it all and laugh (a real small laugh). You are looking FABULOUS and I LOVE your blog!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post. I'm not a mommy but hope to be in a couple of years. Sometimes I hear so much about the midwivery, natural birthing, breast feeding, cloth diapering, organic-whatevering in the blog world that I start to second guess myself: will I be considered a bad mother if I choose breast feeding but a hospital birth? What if I choose huggies instead of cloth diapers? There are so many different ways of having a baby, raising a baby, feeding a baby, I think you just have to do what's best for you and your baby. I love what you're doing, thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteA lot of people have asked me where my placenta is.
ReplyDeleteWhich is a weird question for me to be asked, a lot of people ask how my sex life is also, which I can only respond to their humour 'Nonexistant.' and Thus a lot of people have asked if I'm going to breastfeed, even though I'm doing adoption. Which is a yes to that.
I think the most common question I get asked is if I'm having a baby, my boyfriend or I always respond as 'Not today. But in June we are.'
Wish you best in your pregnancy, and hope you read my email.
petitexplosion.blogspot.com
Just had a chance to catch up on emails and will reply to you soon. :)
DeleteOne more thing, your breasts don't get saggy from breastfeeding, Kara.
ReplyDeleteTry to avoid no wire bras and stick to a nice yoga bra, and after the baby, try working your upper body to coordinate those muscles in your chest area. Sagginess often happens when your chest relies too much on your bra support.
Helpful tip.
yes, PLEASE dont think that breastfeeding causes saggy boobs...PREGNANCY causes that. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sagging-breasts/AN01995
DeleteGuys I was kidding! The humor must have been lost on a few of you. :)
Delete"Was it planned?" What a personal question! We were married for 6 months when we got pregnant so I guess we didn't fall into the range of "married long enough to have a child" for a lot of people. We did plan, but felt the question was too personal to tell anyone else, so we always answered, "Well someone planned it!" My mom still assumes it wasn't planned and says obnoxious things like, "We still love her just the same!" and "Well my kids sure are fertile!" (my brother and his wife had a "unplanned" baby according to my mom too.)
ReplyDeleteLove this post...it is all so true! :)
ReplyDeleteIts AMAZING how becoming pregnant all of a sudden removes all traces of privacy from a woman. I was shocked at how all of a sudden, people (and usually not close acquaintences, and in some cases strangers) thought that the status of my uterus, cervix, breasts, etc and how I planned to use them was up for public discussion. Not ok. and like you, most of these questions came from home-birth/non-med/birthing center advocates (not judging. to each their own.) I always threw them off when I told them I was having an elective c-section though lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd PS - I got that your formula comment was sarcastic =o)
The weirdest thing people would say to me wasn't event a question. They would look at my belly and tell me, "You're having a boy." I would politely tell them that we knew it was a girl and they wouldn't believe me. People, I saw what I saw!
ReplyDeleteGood techniques for awkward pregnancy questions, especially with adoption in the equation! You're awesome.
It's amazing how tactless and judgmental others can be, especially when it comes to parenting. Every parent does what is best for them and they're family. Last week we had to go to a dinner function (my husband is in the military and we go to lots of those) and a woman I'd just met was shocked we were feeding Madeline Gerber Puffs (the sweet potato puffs are her fave) because they are "so unhealthy and I would never feed them to my baby". I would never say that to someone. When I was pregnant I hated it when people would come up to me and touch my belly. One day towards the end of my pregnancy I was feeling more uncomfortable than usual. This lady came up to me and put her hand on my belly and I did the same to her, only she wasn't pregnant. She got embarrassed and apologized.
ReplyDeleteOh geeze. Sometimes a nice "congratulations!" is all that is needed... Especially from a stranger! People ask me a lot if I will breastfeed the baby I am pregnant with right now. I just say I dont know. So not their business. I have one healthy baby who thrived on formula. Much like you, I am just pro-baby getting fed.
ReplyDeleteSometimes others curiosities and/or lack of manners seriously surprise me. I'm nosey, but I don't ask weird stuff because in all honesty I don't care. Ha.. I mean however you want to have your baby, however she turns out, however you feed her.. thats up to you and in no way affects my life so why ask?!
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with infertility for a while and don't even know where to begin on the whole adoption thing, people still say 'oh once you adopt you will get knocked up' gee really thanks, I guess I should adopt tomorrow then! ;p
I really think people just talk to talk sometimes, maybe to ease their own uncomfortableness in something that we struggle with that might come easier to them.
You seem to handle it with class.. I totally thought of the SNL skit they did on the news section called Really!?! when I read this, too funny! =)
since i've been pregnant i've been reading your blog. i hate when people ask "are you going to breastfeed?" i know they mean "do you PLAN to breastfeed" but who can know before after the birth if they will breastfeed or not until they try it? for all i know it may not work and we will have to do a mix or no breastfeeding at all. so i just tell them i plan to try but you never know what will end up happening and we will just do what works.
ReplyDeleteand, the downs syndrome comment you are getting from people is completely rude! wow!
Thanks so much for linking to my post here - I love your list.
ReplyDeleteI don't love the fact that people suffer from word vomit, but I love hearing about your experience with insanely inappropriate comments or questions.
I'm 9 weeks away from delivery. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!
wait until people start touching your belly like it's nothing....the worst!
ReplyDeleteI agree with schroeders- I always say, "Well I am going to try" to the breastfeeding question. My biggest pet peeve question is "are you still going to work?" and then the comments that follow... "I wouldn't want someone else to raise my children." That makes me want to scream!
ReplyDeleteYou're such a classy lady. Very tactful responses.
ReplyDeleteI've never been pregnant but I need to make a list of all the weird questions/comments I've received about my foster son (who came to us through a relative foster placement - he's my biological nephew). Some of them include: "Isn't it going to be hard if you have to give him back?", "What are you going to tell him about where he came from when he gets older", and (the most cringe worthy of all) "Why doesn't his mom just take birth control/get 'fixed"?" (In reference to the fact that he had two siblings born after he was removed from her care). I know that a lot of it was just out of curiosity/concern but most of the time it just made me feel super awkward - especially since they were questions asked right in front of my son!
Nope- you don't sound like a bitter hag at all :) You are keeping it real and I loved your answers! Good for you, Kara!
ReplyDeleteYou do not sound bitter at all! I'm offended when snarkily announce that it's too hot for me to walk my own dog, so I can't even imagine how I would react to some of the questions you face. I'm sure you handle them all gracefully :)
ReplyDeleteHello :)
ReplyDeleteI'm due just one week before you, and getting some similar questions. The worst one so far was after our anatomy scan - a single guy in our bible study asked if "it" would be able to come out normally.
Oh My Gosh I almost died!!! Maybe it's because I'm a visual person, but I was horrified that this mixed group of friends was picturing the baby coming out!
Way too personal. I just said that we'll have to see when labor starts.
this is just the beginning of all of the questions and unwanted opinions. when you have your sweet little girl, they'll probably triple. but it sounds like you'll handle it well :) i on the other hand can't stand it and it definitely gets to me. lol. i still get it and my daughter is 10 months old.
ReplyDeletesome of the questions i got were..."you're really showing for being 6 months pregnant!". really? go ahead, just say i'm fat. i also got asked if i was going to use cloth diapers, breastfeed and if i was going to get an epidural. after having my daughter, it was..."why aren't you giving water to your newborn?!", "she's only having breast milk at 3 months old?...she must be starving!!", "why don't you have her on a schedule?..she needs to be on a schedule!!" and the infamous, "just let her cry it out.."
I am laughing so much at this post. You don't sound bitter. You sound honest. And then comes: PARENTING.
ReplyDeletePeople get EVEN MORE all up in your personal space with crazy questions and unsolicited advice. I'm just now, (just now, with a 6 yr old, 3 yr old, and 1 yr old) learning how to let everybody else's opinions roll off of my back. I'm sure you'll be a pro at that. (I mean that kindly.)
Haha I loved this post. I normally am a silent reader but I felt compelled to tell you HELL YES. You stick it to those nosy bitties who put their two cents where it isn't wanted. I had my daughter in a (GASP) hospital and had a (GASP) epidural.
ReplyDeleteSomeone asked me if my husband and were still having sex! Like seriously?!?!? I am loving following you journey through this pregnancy Kara!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I, woops
DeleteI cannot believe you're getting some of these questions and that people are taking you to task on your answers! That's crazy! You give birth however you feel most comfortable, feed your daughter in the way that is best for her, your husband, and yourself, and don't stress about certain unknowns like the possibility of downs syndrome. That last one really irks me - for years, that sort of testing wasn't even possible, and people gave birth to babies just fine. I think we assume that "knowing" is always best, but I don't think that's necessarily always true, especially in cases like this.
ReplyDeleteI'm a newlywed who has been married for almost a year now, and the question I have been getting from everyone is "When are you having a baby?" and while the question in and of itself is not annoying, but the frequency at which it gets asked is! So I guess what I'm saying is: You don't sound like a bitter hag, people just tend to think that these are good conversation topics even though they are highly personal. I imagine after my husband and I do have one kid, the new question will be when are you going to have another? and so on. Good Luck and congratulations!
ReplyDeleteAfter we were married we waited 3 years before we started trying to get pregnant. One of my cousins, who has 6 kids, actually asked if we had problems with infirtility. I was speachless but my husband's response was, "Not that it's any of your business, no we don't have infirtility problems. It doesn't look like you do either."
DeleteThis post made me laugh!! With our journey through infertility, we've heard the full gamot of questions...the one that I LOVE (meaning LOVE to hate) is "Well, you say you guys are trying....but what does that mean?" like do you want me to spell out our sex lives for you or how much testing, etc...it's almost like my explanation isn't good enough...like surely there is more WE can do to MAKE this happen, right?!...ugh.
ReplyDeletepeople be crazy.
I am always astounded by the number of people who ask if the baby was planned, especially with our first baby as I was 24 when I got pregnant (I've had lots of issues with Endometriosis and had been told it would be next to impossible to get pregnant so we wanted to get in the game quickly). It's such a rude question!
ReplyDeleteYour comments and stories were so great! Thank you for sharing with me!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it so true? I was planning an out of hospital birth (birth center across the street from a hospital) and I had so many people say, no drugs???!!! That's crazy...or my wife couldn't handle it so I'd be shocked if you could. Um, thanks.
ReplyDeleteAnother weird one was a coworker told me I needed to eat lots of fish in the 6th month of pregnancy. I guess it made the child smarter, but no oysters or mussels. I think it was a chinese folklore, but he was pretty serious.
Haha i guess i've been pretty lucky so far. I haven't gotten too many weird questions. The most inappropriate one came from a male friend a few days after I gave birth. He came by to visit and asked how I was doing "down there" complete with hand motions in that area. ummm, nope, none of your business!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, LOVE your tempted answer for breast feeding - it made me laugh out loud! I'm currently 27 weeks and and share the same views as you, but think I'll be borrowing your words against the next nosy busy body that asks!
ReplyDeleteHa! I just stumbled across your blog and LOVED this post. My husband and I adopted a little girl about 8 months ago. Right after we got home with her, I can't tell you how many people told me "well, now you'll get pregnant". To which I wanted to respond that A- you do not know our medical history and B- You're sort of discounting my adopted child. Our daughter is OURS as much as any biological child would be. People can say some crazy stuff. Congrats on the pregnancy! Glad that I came across your blog.
ReplyDeleteyour answers are all the same as mine as far as breasfeeding/delivery/etc. i don't understand why people make this their personal business!! it's not just chit chat when they full intend on judging your decisions!!
ReplyDeletewhat is it about babies that get people all self righteous?! hah!!
People are so rude especially to pregnant woman and new moms. Who cares how you feed your baby, where you plan to have them, what you eat, how you sleep, etc. I am always floored by it. I just can't imagine ever asking anyone those questions especially someone I am not even close to. My friends and family that have had multiples always get "are they natural" what the heck does that mean? And frankly it isn't your business if it was adoption, invitro, or good old regular conception. Anyway no you don't sound bitter and I just went off. Sorry about that.
ReplyDelete