On My Heart: My Marriage (part 2)

This is part two of a little series on my marriage. Again, I am no expert on marriage in general, but I am becoming an expert on MY marriage and Matt. I am sharing our experiences because I believe we are incredibly blessed to have a strong, solid relationship - but it took us a lot of hard work and time to get there. This week's post is on conflict and how Matt has helped me become a better wife and person.

If you have ever met my husband you would have quickly noticed a few things about him:

He is quiet and laid back.

He is skinny.

He has enormous blue eyes.

And he is the nicest person you will ever meet.

I don’t know how he does it, but Matt is kind to everyone. He doesn’t participate in complaining sessions about people or things, he doesn’t gossip, and he doesn’t speak poorly about people behind their back. When he welcomes people into our home, he makes them feel at ease and it’s more than the Southern hospitality we are all “raised right” in – it’s a true, authentic desire to make our guests feel comfortable. When faced with conflict, Matt has the uncanny ability to stay calm – he listens first, thinks through the situation, then responds as needed. “Please” and “thank you” are part of his everyday vocabulary. He has a heart for serving others.

Matt has grace – grace for others, grace for situations and grace for me. And as his wife, this part of his personality has done wonders for our relationship.

But let me back up and give you some history...

I was raised in a home where our mode of operation in conflict was a little bit of the silent treatment and a whole lot of snippy, rude, and condescending talk. My parents didn’t have much conflict with one another, but when they did and I was witness to it, one person would shut down while the other would speak to them in a tone of voice that wasn’t pleasant – it wasn’t yelling or screaming or throwing things; it was more of that slow burn that stings and makes your eyes water. (Please don’t think poorly of my parents, they really are amazing people and this behavior was extremely rare). And when I had conflict with them – which was often as a teenage girl – that behavior was my mode of operation.

Matt (from what he has told me) was raised in a home where conflict was avoided – again no yelling, screaming, or throwing of things; but also no condescending talk and no intentional silent treatments. They just didn’t talk about it at all.

So when we got married, what conflict we had was dealt with in a weird way. At first Matt would avoid it altogether and I would go into silent mode. Over time, I realized that neither way ever resolved anything, so I stopped with the silence and tried to emulate Matt’s inherent kindness and grace while talking frankly about it. Then Matt saw me trying to deal with the conflict in a more head-on way and he would respond the same.

Over time we learned how to handle our own conflict with courtesy, kindness and grace, and that change has seeped over into the other “drama” that has come our way in life. It isn’t always easy, but it has kept our relationship out of that yucky zone where you’re not even showing common courtesy to one another.

Side bar: Isn’t it ironic that when the crap hits the fan, whether it be drama in our marriages, or drama in our lives, that we take it out (mostly unintentionally) on those closest to us? My husband deserves to be treated better than that – he deserves my best, even though he is privy to my worst.

So Matt and I don’t yell at one another. We don’t throw things. We don’t give the other the silent treatment and when we’re hurt or frustrated or annoyed or feeling misunderstood, we don’t resort to harsh words, name calling or snide remarks.

But more than that, I have tried to become the kind of partner and spouse to Matt as he is to me – kind, nice, polite, calm, and inherently graceful. Please and thank you is second nature, as is serving him in the ways he serves me. He helps me stay in check with things that I struggle with like judging others or gossip (yep, I have a problem with talking and giving my opinions on everything!) so I can be that nice, kind person to everyone too.

It’s the whole iron sharpening iron metaphor. He has helped make me a better me, just by being him. And because I am a better me, I am a better wife. And because of that there is a lot more peace in our house and relationship. (Of course there are things he has learned from me, but we'll get to that in another post!)

I’m thankful for who Matt is, selfishly for my own sake, but also because he is just plain wonderful!