I have not written about the subject of parenthood in a while. To be totally honest, I have struggled with this season. I know every mother suffers from an ongoing irrational amount of guilt, but from the time Brighton turned one year old until she was about 16 months, I wondered if I was cut out for motherhood and if I was truly failing my daughter.
Brighton is a genuinely happy, silly and sweet-spirited child. As a baby she smiled and laughed easily, she loved to be held and cuddled and she was extremely easygoing. She took her time learning to crawl and didn't walk until after she turned one. But then walking led to running and running led to climbing, which led to jumping and pushing and kicking and a slew of physicality that my small daughter mastered within a few months. That physical ability created a wild curiosity in her - she wanted to see and touch and experience everything. And while she was both silly and kind, she had strong opinions about most things and thrived on order and a schedule.
Before Brighton was even six months old, she would protest if we got her bedtime routine out of order. When she was nine months old her little lip would start to quiver if I didn't let her twirl and tug my hair when she nursed. When she was close to a year, she would burst into tears if we didn't let her buckle the straps on her highchair. But after she turned one, my tiny toddler didn't just cry when things were not going her way, or we did something against the regular routine - she would throw things, kick, push or dramatically fall on the floor and scream.
I know this is a normal toddler response to being frustrated or angry (since she lacks the words and logic to explain how she needs help or to tell someone how she feels), but these reactions just leveled me. I had read a lot about this stage of development, but I was not prepared for hard it would be on me as a parent.
Matt and I did everything we could to keep things routine and peaceful and to anticipate her needs, but it seemed no matter what we did, we were witness to an epic meltdown daily. We tried to discipline when things got out of control, or if she was physically violent towards us, or was hitting/kicking/pushing something that she shouldn't - we would get on her level and tell her no firmly, remove her from the situation, or even take her into another room to calm down. At times when she was doing something willingly disobedient and unsafe (like taking off an outlet cover and trying to put something in it), we would pop her hand and say loudly "No ma'am! No touch!" Sometimes it would work, but 50 percent of the time, she would turn around and pop us back.
At every turn she was pushing boundaries with either her curiosity or her disobedience. I found myself saying the word "no" so much that she quickly turned it into one of the first words she used intentionally towards us. I also found myself walking on eggshells around my child, unsure of what to say or do for fear of upsetting her. I started reading books about routine and the psychology of toddlers and brain development and the way to handle children with strong wills. I felt angry a lot during those months, especially when I felt like I had done everything I could to provide a safe, fun and consistent environment for Brighton and she still freaked out, or threw tantrums when we did things exactly the way she wanted, or told me no and pushed me away.
It was a really, really hard time for me. For any other parent out there you know that you cannot control your children. You can provide them direction, guidance, a sense of morality and discipline when necessary, but at the end of the day, you cannot control their impulses or their actions. You can however control yourself and I didn't learn this lesson until I was in the thick of those months.
The lesson came to me on Thanksgiving Day. We spent the cold morning eating cinnamon rolls and watching the Macy's Day Parade, and at almost every turn she was upset about something. We had almost the entire day to ourselves so we bundled her up and took her and the dog to the park. As we pushed her in the swing, or helped her on the slide, or let her run in the field, she fought us. No matter what we offered or did she was upset or tested us. We went home, checked her temperature and gums (always check for a fever or teething right?) and just tried to carry on with the day. I kept trying time outs, or taking away options, even explaining in plain terms what the rules were, but the tantrums and whining and pushing of boundaries carried on. During lunch, I quietly slipped away to our bedroom, shut the door and spent the next 15 minutes crying into my covers in frustration and despair. Days like this were becoming too common and I was baffled that my sweet baby had turned into an unhappy, sometimes violent and impossibly strong-willed child. I worried that she would always be like this and started to think back over the months leading up to that day. What had changed outside of her regular development to cause this?
It hit me quickly and hard, like most life lessons do: what had changed was me. In an attempt to keep order and peace I tried to steer her actions too much. I said no more than I said yes. I spent more time focused on correction and discipline, instead of redirecting her energy and curiosity to something good. I didn't play with her as much as I should have due to all that focus on making sure she behaved right. I was overwhelmed with what I couldn't control and it overshadowed everything else that made me a decent parent. She was not the one with the strong will - it was me. I was the strong willed mama and I needed to become something better than that.
I did a lot wrong during those months of her changing from a baby to a child, but there was still time for me to course correct. I spent the rest of Thanksgiving trying to not beat myself up too much for my failure and instead think about what I could do different so my daughter felt empowered and safe and loved by me again.
Every day since I have tried my best to break that strong willed spirit in me. There are good days and there are still days when I feel myself gripping so tightly to order and the need to be in control. There are days when she looks at me and listens the first or the second time; and there are days when we spend 20 minutes battling each other. On those hard days, I fight hard to become something better than just a disciplinarian and apologize when I fail her.
Parenthood is a series of trial and error. I don't always know what to do when she pushes and pulls and tests me, but I know what I want: I want to be be more patient than frustrated, to give my time to her freely, to be firm but gentle in love and leave lots of room for exploring and messes and learning. I don't want to be a strong willed mama. I want to be more.
Being a mom of a toddler like that is tough eh? My son is very similar and just this morning I experienced almost everything you wrote about. The meltdowns. The patience. The loss of patience and then the guilt. Sigh. It is rough.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah - thanks for writing that! Glad I'm not alone.
Same here, glad I'm not alone!
ReplyDeleteI've found that implementing a sort of "Montessori" approach worked well against the whining and meltdowns. Basically, letting them do as much as they can by themselves: picking out clothes, getting dressed, eating, "cooking"... Even when it's just easier and quicker to do it myself.
Also, I try to console them only once they've calmed down from a tantrum. I don't want them to think that I'm enabling the tantrum by coddling them during it. Rather, they get the reward of a big hug at the end.
Keep us posted on how things evolve!
Thank you for this honest post. I read so many mommy blogs gushing about how much they just LOVE all the rainbows and butterflies of motherhood, and while I love being a mother too, I find that as my almost 14-month old begins to crave (read: demand!) more and more independence, it has been tough on me. I cry and question my abilities as a mother, and it's so reassuring to hear that others feel the same way. So thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty. It is quite refreshing. Good to know we are not alone in our feelings/struggles.
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. I'm not a mom but I had similar tantrums to Brighton when I was her age. They were BAD. My mom said she started reading what to do and the one thing that always worked was to just hold me while I was in the middle of one. As much I as struggled and resisted, to just hold me until I calmed down. She remembers even once doing it while we were in a parking lot. She'd been told that sometimes a child just spins so out of control they can't get themselves back and the best thing to do is just hold them until it stops. It really worked for me. And admittedly, I had a breakdown a few years ago and that is exactly what she did. She just held me until I calmed down. I don't know if it's something that would work for Brighton, but I thought I would suggest it!
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me so, so much of my oldest child, who is now almost 8. Parenting him has always been more difficult than parenting my other two, partly because of his ambitious, intense disposition and also because of me. (Because he's my first, because I have this almost casual, unchecked expectation of constant control...??) Anyway, your post made me cry, and that's not something I do while randomly checking blogs.
ReplyDeleteBe easy on yourself; be easy on Brighton. I think we expect so much more from our first kid, and then of course, they push back, they expect so much of themselves, and of us. (birth order stuff, I guess.) Sometimes I look back on how much I expected of Laith at one, and at two, and it was really absurd, especially compared to the loose rein I had with the others. Anyway, I know the guilt, the struggle, the desperation, the wanting everything to be a bit lighter, happier. My oldest and I still butt heads - at least on a weekly basis (probably b/c he's homeschooled, ha) - but we're working on it, talking through it, both aiming to raise our voices less and listen more, and I'm trying to check myself, to let go, which may be a lifetime's. Thanks for posting this. Sincerely. And you're what she needs. It always helps me, and moves me, to remember that my children's forgiveness if bigger and stronger than I know, and that they just need me to show up and try, faults and all, and not get mowed down by the guilt of being an imperfect parent.
Take care,
Amy
Oh, lifetime's work. **
ReplyDeleteAnd PS, not that you need any more parenting advice, or that any parent does, but I will say it ebbs and flows and doesn't usually get easier as they get older. I say that not to be a negative shrew but as an encouragement, in a way. (Of course lots of things DO get easier: they can dress, use the bathroom, make their own meals, read alone, play alone, be kind of a pal rather than a child in a coffee shop or on a hike or bike ride...) But regarding the relationship, in my personal experience, there are still struggles, it's work. In some sense, the things that held true for my toddler still work for older child. Resist the temptation to yell or say things you will regret, diffuse the negative energy by ensuring that you are in control of your energy and your body - this may mean no spanking or less spanking, establish firm boundaries preemptively, draw the line, nurture nurture nurture and validate feelings once or twice, and then walk away for a bit if it's too much...or send the child off to a different space for a bit. Everyone needs a break now and then, from each other.
I have found some very helpful ideas to pull through the most difficult times (with all ages) at: http://www.ahaparenting.com/
ReplyDeleteNavigating the challenging times definitely requires support and resources, so I hope you find some that are helpful to you.
Thank you everyone for your comments and advice! I failed to mention that Brighton has grown mostly out of the extreme tantrums and I have learned to let go a little more!
ReplyDeleteI'll keep the updates coming!
this is exactly the encouragement i needed to hear today! not that you have it all figured out yet, but that i'm not alone. i have a sweet, sweet, but very independent boy who's 20 months old...and we are learning a lot about each other, and i'm learning an awful lot about myself and my trouble with patience & control. it's the hardest stage we've been in yet (he was a dream baby! his independence started about 15 months) and i have wondered almost daily if i'm cut out for this. but i'm the mama he has, and he's my beloved firstborn, and we're going to figure this out together!! thank you for your empowering words!!
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