A "Miss"

As I mentioned in this post, I was sick a few Friday's ago. I was vague for a reason - I wasn't sure what happened to me at the time.

I've written about our struggle with unexplained infertility before. All these years of trying has conditioned me to assume that when my monthly cycle is late it's not pregnancy because every 3-4 months I have a late cycle - they do not seem out of the ordinary for me. This last cycle, which was late, was no different; however since my hope has been restored, I did think once or twice that this could mean pregnancy.

So Friday morning, I got up early and as I was showering, drying my hair and getting dressed, my body started freaking out. All of sudden I was plagued with intensely painful cramps, so painful in fact that I could not stand up straight at times. I stood in the bathroom, hunched over, clutching my stomach and trying to not scream from the pain - I'd never experienced anything like it before. It was coming in waves every few minutes and was so intense that I became nauseous and started throwing up. Then (and this is where its a little graphic, sorry) I started bleeding like crazy. The pain and the intense bleeding lasted for over an hour with no relief. I started praying and then in desperation called my husband (who was at least an hour away) asking him to help me. As I told him what was happening, I started to cry, which of course freaked him out even more. We hung up and he called my mother who lives about 10 minutes away and asked her to come to the house and take me to Urgent Care.

About 20 minutes later my mother showed up and I was still in the bathroom hunched over, in fetal position, moaning in pain. The episode was starting to subside at that point, with the waves of pain becoming less frequent and the bleeding slowing. My mom and I decided to not go to Urgent Care as it looked like a bad period, something that someone with former endometriosis could possibly go through.

However, I spoke to my friend Tia later that day to tell her what happened and she suggested that it was maybe an early miscarriage. I considered that, then started googling miscarriage symptoms and realized that all the signs were there based on what I had gone through that morning. So I made an appointment with an OB-GYN (the earliest they could see me was that next Wednesday).

Of course my mind started to spin: if it was a miscarriage, that would be incredibly sad. If it wasn't a miscarriage, then that could mean something bad as well - maybe a renewal of endometriosis, or cysts on my ovaries or something worse. I told only a few friends about what happened, what I thought might be the reason, talked through my weird rationale, my hope.

Wednesday finally rolled around and I went to the doctor. They did an exam, took some blood, told me they could not confirm if it was a miscarriage until the lab results came back.

This Wednesday, a week after my doctor's visit, and a week and a half after my sickness, the nurse left a detailed message on my voicemail. She told me that according to the lab work, I had not been pregnant. It was not a miscarriage. They wanted me to go through one more cycle before I came back to the doctor - they want to see if it was a one time thing or if it happens again before making any decisions about my health. After I listened to the message, I texted Matt to let him know the news, and as I read his reply, a numbing sadness washed over me.

As twisted as this sounds, I was sad that I had not miscarried. Miscarriage is the loss of a life, and in no way am I making light of it, but if I miscarried that means I was pregnant, and if I was pregnant that would have been a small miracle. It would mean that I could actually get pregnant, and maybe, just maybe, I could get pregnant again and hopefully sustain it.

I have to be honest - this feels like yet another "miss" for me. A missing of life in my womb, a missing of hope in my heart, a missing of a child in my arms.  I believe that our time will come - it's not a question of if we will become parents, but when. I believe God is good, His intentions for me are pure, but my belief in His goodness is clouded with sadness and worry. I have not lost hope, but these past few days have been another test of my faith. And since He is not knitting anything in my womb, I'm trying to focus on what God is knitting in my heart.

We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. - Romans 5:3-5