Our Failed Adoption

I'm sure you are curious about our failed adoption, and I finally feel up to telling the story. I've omitted some details in the spirit of privacy and protection for the woman who we thought would place her baby with us, and for her son. Please note that what happened to us is the exception, not the rule, in domestic adoption. I do not write this story to dissuade you from adopting, but instead to shed light on our experience and our heartbreak.

This post is quite long, so apologies in advance. Also, the term "failed" adoption is adoption lingo, we also refer to it as a displaced adoption.

Background

We were matched with a potential birth mother in late June (let's call her "Tammy"). Her situation was that she was unable to support a child at the time. She was a former paramedic and nurse, who had struggled with substance abuse for a very short amount of time. She completed a rehabilitation program the year prior and was very proud of her sobriety. She had struggled to find work since that time and had become pregnant by an ex-boyfriend, who did not want the child, nor did he want to support it. "Tammy" presented herself as a woman who had experienced some hardships due to her mistakes, but wanted to do the right thing for the child, and for herself.

The agency was providing "Tammy" with some living expenses, including a temporary place to live and food/laundry money. They also signed her up for Medicaid so she could receive pre-natal care.

Match

During the three months we were matched with "Tammy", we received communications from her via email, and also by phone. The email exchanges went well at first - she sent us pictures of herself and the biological father, sonogram pictures, notes about how she was feeling and little details about her life so we could get to know her better. We worked directly with a wonderful social worker named Lara that was the go-between for us and "Tammy".

In early September, we purchased a pre-paid phone so she could call us directly (but not have access to our personal numbers) as Lara had sensed she wanted the freedom to talk to us directly instead of conference calls hosted by her. In those phone calls, we started to sense that "Tammy" had a lot of drama in her life - she didn't have a good relationship with her parents due to the pregnancy, her ex-boyfriend was trying to get back together with her, she had constant physical pain due to the pregnancy. She was trying to find a permanent place to live so she could get back on her feet after the baby was born and was increasingly frustrated with her situation. However, "Tammy" always ended the conversations with a positive spin, admitting that this situation will soon be over and she could move on with her life.

The Warning Signs

However, when we were closer to the due date, things began to change. "Tammy" became highly frustrated with Lara and would call or email claiming that Lara had not put money on her grocery card. When I would ask Lara about it, they assured me that they had deposited the weekly amount - when I went back to "Tammy", she would continue to complain and claim the agency was lying to us.

Then "Tammy" started to miss doctor's appointments. At first she said that she couldn't get to the doctor's office because she had no car, so the agency provided her with a bus pass. She continued to miss appointments, so Lara provided her with cab fare. Lara was also trying to help her find a permanent place to live; however "Tammy" continued to miss the appointments to view apartments or would tell the agency that she didn't have a way to get there although they had provided cabs for her at times.

The Beginning of the End

All of this came to a head - the constant complaints about not enough grocery money, the missed doctor's appointments, the missed opportunities to move into a permanent place - on Thursday, September 29. She called the pre-paid phone multiple times and left voice mails, then sent me two lengthy emails describing how she was being mistreated by the agency and Lara. She claimed they had not provided her what she was promised, that Lara hated her and had it out for her, that they were starving her to death by not providing her with enough money to eat, and that they had not helped her find a permanent place to live.

I didn't read/hear all the emails and voice mails until almost midnight. I emailed "Tammy" and let her know that I would call the agency the next day - at this point, I had been told by the agency to sympathize with her and let them be the "bad guy". I spoke with Lara the next morning and they told me how much money they had given her for groceries to date (more than enough).

I called "Tammy" on Friday morning and let her know that I had spoken with the agency to ensure that she was well taken care of, but never heard back. I emailed her again that weekend as well to check up on her, but she didn't email or call back.

On the morning of Monday, October 3rd, I emailed Lara to inquire if they had heard from "Tammy". Lara emailed me back immediately and said she hadn't yet - but the agency had received an invoice for a cab fare. "Tammy" had been driven from her hotel to a local hospital on Saturday night, but it showed no return fare.

Lara did some research, and called me an hour later to tell me that "Tammy" had delivered a little boy at 2:57 a.m. CST. "Tammy" had not called the agency to inform them of the birth - instead she emailed Lara Monday morning and asked them for more money for groceries, but totally omitted the fact that she had delivered the child.

Lara was informed by the hospital social worker that that "Tammy" had terminated her release rights - essentially blocking anyone from  the adoption agency from inquiring about her or the child from the hospital social worker. She informed the hospital that she had changed her mind and would not be placing the child with the adoptive family.

Lara then informed us that Child Protective Services (CPS) had been called by the hospital, but we didn't know why. She told me not to get my hopes up, but there could be a slight chance that CPS would intervene and not allow her to parent based on whatever the hospital had seen. If so, CPS would give "Tammy" a choice - either place the baby with adoptive parents, or the child would go into foster care. Lara told me she would call CPS and file a report as well - since "Tammy" was living on the agency's dime, they would cancel her hotel contract and also provide some details around her attempts to receive living expenses under fraudulent pretenses.

I immediately called Matt and told him the news. We wept together on the phone. I don't remember much of that day, except that I called my mother and cried, I called my best friend Crystal and cried, I called my boss and cried and just waited for news from the agency.

That evening, I emailed "Tammy". I wasn't sure if I should, or if I was even allowed to, but I felt compelled to write her. I told her that I knew she had delivered, and changed her mind, and how heartbroken we were. I asked her to please let me know what her reasons were.

Within 15 minutes "Tammy" emailed me back, telling me that Lara and the agency had mistreated her. She said that she, along with her family, the doctors, even her cab driver, planned to write a letter to the agency about the social worker's "poor, poor" service. She claimed again that she was starved, that they didn't help her the way they promised, that she was confused. She said the baby, who she already named, was 5 lbs 11 oz, 18 inches long, but was "a little sick". She ended the email by telling us that we were in no way part of the decision, that we were "perfect and great" but that we should probably use another agency in the future.

I emailed her again with more questions, begging her to reconsider, telling her that if Lara or agency was the issue, we could bypass them and use lawyers instead. I never heard back. I emailed her again on Tuesday. She never replied. We have not heard back from her to date.

It's Over

By Wednesday morning (the 5th), we found out that CPS had launched an investigation. Lara called the CPS agent again that afternoon and the agent told her that we should not worry because the baby was in a "safe place". We assumed that meant foster care, but we can't be sure. The agency informed us that the baby cannot be adopted. They closed our case and we went back on the wait list.

Then Lara told me that upon admittance to the hospital, "Tammy" was complaining of withdrawals from a specific drug. She did not have a prescription for that drug, which leads us to believe that her son being "a little sick" was due to her using that drug illegally. We now believe that she was asking for more money all the time so she could buy drugs. We also found out that she was never a licensed paramedic or nurse in the state of Missouri, as she had claimed. Lara and I discussed these details in disbelief and said our goodbyes.

My Final Thoughts

I have to state that in no way did the agency mistreat "Tammy". Lara went above and beyond for her, giving her everything she needed to thrive during her pregnancy and help her get back on her feet. I do not blame the agency or Lara for what happened.

I have thought long and hard about "Tammy", about her actions that affected us and that innocent child. I do not understand why this happened to us, but it is clear that "Tammy" is a compulsive liar, a master manipulator and a very troubled woman. While we are angry and hurt by her actions, we never truly expected her to behave like a rational, moral adult. She was a desperate person - and desperate people do desperate things.

My hope is that the baby, wherever he is, is safe and that his health is restored. We pray that he knows love in his life, and that his caretakers would treat him with kindness and grace, that he would feel protected and secure, and that he will grow up as a strong, moral and kind young man.

I hope you will pray for him too.