I am an only child. That fact, combined with my extrovert personality type, has led me to be an incredibly social person. I never had siblings to connect with and part of my extended family was spread out across the country, so I created my own little family through my friends.
Growing up I played sports, took dance from age 4 - 18, was in social clubs like Camp Fire Girls and spent my summers at camp. I also was highly involved in extracurricular activities at school. Because of all those activities, and because I was an extrovert, and because I was an only child who desperately wanted siblings, I made a lot of friends.
And it's been that way ever since.
When Matt and I got married, we merged not only our lives, but our sets of friends; and we did like most married couples do - we became friends with other married couples. Then we changed churches, joined a small group (Bible study) and made a whole other set of married friends.
Needless to say, over the last 5 - 6 years our social circle went from medium to huge. We have had no shortage of cookouts and parties and double dates in our life as of late and there have been more "guys nights" and "girls nights" than we could attend. It's a huge blessing to have these opportunities for community and fellowship and close friendships.
So this shouldn't be a problem right? Having too many friends and acquaintances?
Actually it is - for me at least. Over the last two years, it has become a problem because I continue to run out of time every single month - I simply cannot find enough minutes in the day to spend with all the people I love.
My priorities are my husband, our small group (these couples we consider our best friends), a few girlfriends who have been in my life for as long as I can remember and my parents. I also work about 40 - 50 hours a week which is a massive time suckage, and then we have to carve out time for the one-off items like dinner with Matt's family (when all 6 of us can get together), as well as just the general adult responsibilities like cleaning the house, running errands and cooking meals. Oh and I need time to relax and/or sleep. Ha!
All this activity allows such little time for those people who we don't have a regular schedule with - people who maybe at one point in our lives we were close with, or people who have always been part of our outer circle socially.
I really struggle with balance of my time, what has to take priority and saying no to “outer circle” people’s social events, coffee dates and random one-off get togethers (because I either don’t have the time, or don’t feel compelled to spend my free time with folks we’re not close with, or don’t have anything in common with anymore).
So here are my questions to you:
How do you choose which people to invest in and to be close friends with?
Do you make time for those you love, but maybe aren't that close with anymore? If so, how much?
If one of those “outer circle” people keeps pursuing you, but you just can’t make it work, (or don’t want to hang out with them) how many times can you say no?
I’m welcoming your thoughts. I’m stumped here! Thanks!
Growing up I played sports, took dance from age 4 - 18, was in social clubs like Camp Fire Girls and spent my summers at camp. I also was highly involved in extracurricular activities at school. Because of all those activities, and because I was an extrovert, and because I was an only child who desperately wanted siblings, I made a lot of friends.
And it's been that way ever since.
When Matt and I got married, we merged not only our lives, but our sets of friends; and we did like most married couples do - we became friends with other married couples. Then we changed churches, joined a small group (Bible study) and made a whole other set of married friends.
Needless to say, over the last 5 - 6 years our social circle went from medium to huge. We have had no shortage of cookouts and parties and double dates in our life as of late and there have been more "guys nights" and "girls nights" than we could attend. It's a huge blessing to have these opportunities for community and fellowship and close friendships.
So this shouldn't be a problem right? Having too many friends and acquaintances?
Actually it is - for me at least. Over the last two years, it has become a problem because I continue to run out of time every single month - I simply cannot find enough minutes in the day to spend with all the people I love.
My priorities are my husband, our small group (these couples we consider our best friends), a few girlfriends who have been in my life for as long as I can remember and my parents. I also work about 40 - 50 hours a week which is a massive time suckage, and then we have to carve out time for the one-off items like dinner with Matt's family (when all 6 of us can get together), as well as just the general adult responsibilities like cleaning the house, running errands and cooking meals. Oh and I need time to relax and/or sleep. Ha!
All this activity allows such little time for those people who we don't have a regular schedule with - people who maybe at one point in our lives we were close with, or people who have always been part of our outer circle socially.
I really struggle with balance of my time, what has to take priority and saying no to “outer circle” people’s social events, coffee dates and random one-off get togethers (because I either don’t have the time, or don’t feel compelled to spend my free time with folks we’re not close with, or don’t have anything in common with anymore).
So here are my questions to you:
How do you choose which people to invest in and to be close friends with?
Do you make time for those you love, but maybe aren't that close with anymore? If so, how much?
If one of those “outer circle” people keeps pursuing you, but you just can’t make it work, (or don’t want to hang out with them) how many times can you say no?
I’m welcoming your thoughts. I’m stumped here! Thanks!
I try to be really strategic with my time, whether it's committing to activities or spending time with people. (I'm not always successful, but I try.) With commitments, my initial filter is: "Is this something in which I can use my giftedness, or is this something that will grow and benefit me?" If the answer to both halves of that question is "no", it doesn't make it on my schedule. (It's not something to which I can contribute, nor is it something from which I will gain something.)
ReplyDeleteWith people, my filter is similar: "Is this someone who is pursuing God (either as His follower or as someone open or curious to discover who He is) in whom I can pour myself and God's love, or is this someone who really challenges me to run harder after God?" If the answer to both halves of this question is "no", then I don't spend a lot of time with them. It's in no way a judgment of either party; it's making the most of the time God has given me to really invest in the relationships that can have the most impact.
**Massive Caveat**: My strength and calling is to intentionally disciple those pursuing God and to walk alongside those who are seeking to discover Him. That strength and calling is what shaped my filter question. Each person's filter questions will look different, based upon her strength and calling.
I feel like that's kind of always naturally happened for me. I have less time for the outer circle friends so we grow farther apart. We still love each other but it's not expected to hang out. But now we went from having too many friends to not having any with moving. Almost a year later and we still don't really have friends. South Florida culture is so different and I've never had such a hard time making friends. So right now I am envying the problem of time management with friends!
ReplyDeleteThough my boyfriend and I might not be married, when we moved into together, marriage basically happened. We met each other's friends that we hadn't known about, we started hanging out with each other's friends, but it'd be hard just because his friends and my friends are teens, who couldn't manage to understand our life, double dates ended up as awkward conversations, basically recounting stories of the past, things we could no longer do because despite being the same age, we were at different stages in our lives.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the day when we'll be at one stage where we won't have to encounter problems like these, double dates not having to discuss bills with a 17 year old who's just worried about sneaking in some cigarettes.
At this point, we've given up on the idea of hanging with friends in groups, or associating ourselves with our friends too often. It's become a twice a month type of thing for one of us (Mostly Chris) to hang out with a friend for some breathing time.
Hopefully when this baby is out we'll have time to catch up on all the lost time with friends, not as much as a burden as it used to be.
For me every life stage proved who was going to stay along the way and who Id lose contact with. When my little man came along those friends without kids kind of lost interest and honstely it became too hard to hang out with them unless they were willing to come here or we could get a babysitter which didn't happen much when he was little. Those with kids understood and we'd hang out more during the day. Id say give it time till your little miss comes and Im guessing you will have a shift in friendships again. We were very involved in our young married life group but once Stewart came it was really hard to stay connected and go out as much with them. We found new friendships with people who had kids close to age. OK im rambling but my advice is to see how things come once baby is here. Allow yourself girls night out once in a while to refresh, date night, and an occasional friends night. You will find the right balance in time :)
ReplyDeleteI have been having the same conversation in my head too. I can't figure out how to balance it all, and I am having a real hard time right now because there is so many people in our community I love dearly, but I don't get to spend a lot of time with any particular friend or married couple regularly enough to know how to differentiate what is an acquaintance or a close friend. I always end up just feeling like a bad friend and isolating myself and giving up. I also work 40-45 hrs a week, and I am exhausted by the time the weekend comes around. I don't think anything I have just said really answered any of your questions... but your post really spoke to my heart. I do have to say that one of the many things I have always admired about you is that you work so hard all week, and you always seem to find the time to be a good friend and invest in others.
ReplyDeleteLove, Katrina
Well Kat you are one of the ones I WANT and NEED to spend time with! We need to live closer to each other :)
DeleteAlso, lets do a double date soon.
Well in exactly 11 months ( but whos counting) we will be moving out of the Haw!! woo hoo :) I need you in my life more. You are one of those friends I need and want to spend time with too. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think of you..I just need to say it more and do something about it! Double date is in order!! Love you so much!
DeleteWahhh this is something I've dealt with in the past and am sort of dealing with now. If you think it's bad now, just wait until the LBG gets here! Now that we have a baby, I can hardly find time for my best fiends let alone the outliers who still want to hang out. Honestly, I stopped stressing about it. Yea, I can be a little flakey now, but I just can't help it. I've also let some friends go. I said "no" to hanging out a bunch of times and I guess eventually they just got the hint. The ones I know I want to keep I just make sure to let them know that I'm struggling to find time to hang out but that I want to and miss them. Your true friends will understand and the ones who give you a hard time can probably be let go...it stinks but you only have so much time and you still need to be able to have alone time on top of it all!
ReplyDeleteI'm with April. We had a lot of good friends before we had kids. It was a lot easier to make close friends then because your attention wasn't pulled between trying to keep a conversation while making sure your kid was sharing, and getting your child to say sorry when she wasn't. I remembered hanging out with others with kids, when I didn't have any, and I would get bugged that I couldn't just have an uninterrupted conversation with them. (I totally get it now and try hard to be genuine with those I spend time with, but sometimes that's hard) For the above reason, it wasn't as fun for me to hang out with them because I was always left there, mid-sentence while they chased their kid. So, I subconsciously eliminated myself from hanging out with them. It's all about the stage of life you're in, and unfortunately or fortunately for you, those with young kids are in the same stage and all need to be home for bedtime. Thus, naturally eliminating some one off friendships. The really important friendships will always last. You just end up sacrificing bedtime for those. However, It is nice to have a few kid-less friends to come to your house to hang out while the kids are in bed.
ReplyDeleteAt first you won't notice much of a change. The baby will be pretty mobile and will sleep anywhere. Then, they'll get older and you'll want to make sure they are at home at a decent hour, in their own bed. I always said I wouldn't be one of "those parents", but the truth is...everyone's life is better, not just Annie's, when she gets a good nights sleep. Oh, if I had a nickle for all the things I said I wouldn't do, or be as a parent. :)But... I digress.
The long and short of it all though is that your groups of friends will change and dwindle when the baby comes. Maybe not at first, but eventually it will. The relationships that are important to you, will last, but eventually it will all naturally change. Oh... and it will be harder to make new close relationships, so you probably won't be adding to it as easily as you once did. At least that's how it is for us.
Sorry for the novel. I've thought a lot about this topic :)
Donnarae
Donnarae - I was just telling Jon how awesome you are for this advice. Thank you so much for your perspective!
DeleteIt totally happens to me. And I have started to simply make time for my self. One of the bad things about my anxiety is the fact that I *need* sleep. My priorities are my husband and sleep. I gladly get out of social gatherings and such to sleep or spend time together. And lately I tell my friends the truth: that I need to rest. Ever since I started doing that they seem much more understanding than I thought.
ReplyDeleteI have the opposite problem as you, which makes me sad. Our situations are very similar: I'm an only child and a very social extrovert but my husband is an introvert with two siblings. He's perfectly content to not be social lol. Here's my problem though: we are still in the town we went to college in. While my husband grew up here, I did not. I'm also older than him so all of the friends I made here have long since moved away. And while we both grew up being very involved in church, we still attend the church we went to in college so it still feels like the transitional church that we don't want to get too attached to. We'll be moving to a new city soon and I'm looking forward to putting down some roots and making some friends. We've both agreed we want to find a church and get involved with the other couples our age and make some close friends. I'm really looking forward to it. All that to say, I'm very envious of your social position but I understand the difficulty.
ReplyDeleteHonestly there is only so much time in a day, week, month, whatever and David and I feel like we have to make time for our daughter and each other first and foremost. Then we can branch out. It sounds selfish or terrible, but if I have no desire or it feels like I'm hanging out with a friend out of obligation than I'm just not willing to do it at this stage in life. In my opinion you can only have real, genuine relationship with a small handful of people, and you really have to work to invest in those people so that's what I try to do. Sometimes you just have to say no! ;) Love you woman. Don't worry once that baby girl comes, you'll find it even easier to carve out time and say no to things you just don't want to do!
ReplyDeleteGreat advice here. I know we've had this discussion before because I don't know what to do since our "group" of friends is so large and there are so many functions to attend. Thanks for being such a good friend - a "soul" friend to me. Love you.
DeleteMy husband works shift work and only has two weekends off a month. That mixed with me working full time makes it difficult for us to spend time together, let alone with our friends. We have a handful of close friends that we get together with on a "regular" basis. They already have children and are excited for our addition that will be here any day. I've learned the difference between the "outer circle" and our good friends. Our good friends check on me (being pregnant). They have helped us prepare. Our outer circle friends ask how I'm doing when we bump into each other at the store.
ReplyDeletelittlebabyoverman.blogspot.com
OOOH i just went through something similar.
ReplyDeleteI actually felt that the Lord wanted me to step back a bit. And there were certain people who were really on my heart.
i kept things the way they were with my best friend. not going to back away from that
then i felt i needed to really cultivate a deeper friendship with one girl i didn't know as well. it has become a huge blessing having her in my life
i became closer with an old friend who had a family now and it was harder for them to hang out with me, since they didn't have as much free time. i would seek them out, be flexable for them.
I drastically cut down my circle. And for everyone else, i would cycle out who to see. maybe one week i would hang out with person A, and then 2 weeks later person B. but i gave myself a lot more "time off". I was getting burnt out!
the friendships i felt led to really invest in have become so sweet and rich. And i am still friends with the other people, but i don't feel as much pressure to see them all the time. I find that we are able to pick up where we left off when we do hang out
I'm in that really weird transition time in college, where my friends and I all went to the local community college to knock out those pesky ged-ed's and now that we have, we are all moving away to different schools, leaving us only connected by technology (i.e. phones, texting, skype, ect.)
ReplyDeleteNow my boyfriend and I are trying to figure out ways to get involved in our school (where I am starting in the fall and he already attends). We have many friends who are our own age, but just as many who are 5-10 years older than us who we seem to fit in with better (we say we have old souls! Haha).
It's a fine line between wanting to get involved and being scared to put ourselves out there. We are loosing some very close friends due to distance and it has been hard for us. This post and some of the comments have really spoken to us, thank you so much for putting your heart out there!
I was just thinking about this last night, ironically. I found out some news about one of my bridesmaids and suddenly felt terrible that it had been so long and that I hadn't been there to support her. I was thinking about why we had disconnected, and we decided to have lunch on Saturday to catch up!
ReplyDeleteTruly, it comes down to this: distance. We are far away and driving between places is doable but tricky.
I only have a few couples we hang out with, and we're homebodies, so we don't do it often. We've learned to say "no" a lot-- mainly because my emotions and health have been so shaky for the past few years. It's also getting tricky, and I know you understand this, to find couples that don't have children. Sometimes I crave time with friends that don't have children. I've withdrawn quite a bit from friends that have kids running around because it's hard in so many ways. This is why we haven't connected in a CLG yet-- I don't want to take turns taking care of someone's kids. Bad attitude, I know.
We put our marriage first. Girls night and guys night is a treat. Couples dates are few and far between but we only go on those maybe once a month. We try to see all four sides of our families at holidays but if we're exhausted, we say no and brace ourselves. Because we come first.
We don't have children yet, but I find as I get older, the less I really tolerate when it comes to "friends". I put people in the aquaintence category more easily now and really concentrate on keeping in touch with those that I know are truly there for me as I am for them. Catching up with friends should be natural, in that it's easy and fun to pick up where you left off no matter the time in between talks...anything harder than that is not worth it in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteYou'll figure out what is best for you and Matt (and little miss Brighton as well).