On My Heart: 34

Today I am 34 years old.

Over the last few months as I have approached this small milestone, I've tried to objectively reflect on my life, both where I am and where I want to be. I'm going to be candid here - I thought that I would have accomplished more at this point - finished a novel, maybe gotten published, traveled more, had more children. I don't have a formal bucket list, but there are dreams I want to see come to fruition in my lifetime, and for some insane reason I have convinced myself that I need to accomplish them before I turn 40.

My 33rd year of life was a significantly transformational year. Weeks before I turned 33, I experienced a massive personal tragedy and somewhat abandoned my faith due to my anger with God. Pieces of me split off and my heart hardened. I lost hope in people, in God, in possibility. Surprisingly, a few weeks after that, I received a miracle and it absolutely wrecked me. That dramatic shift, both from the loss and the gain, changed everything - how I viewed the world, how I viewed God and His promises, how I viewed my marriage, how I viewed my dreams, and how I viewed myself.

You can't help but change after a loss. There are days when you look up in the mirror and you can't recognize yourself. The light behind your eyes is different, there are shadows and lines where there were none before. Grief and the recovery out of it alters you; but what no one tells you is that the adjustments can be good.

Struggle can either break you, or refine you. I think this last year of my life did both - it broke me into a thousand pieces, splintering off what I thought was precious and worth saving. It was as though everything came into focus and God clearly pinpointed what should matter in the life he had given me. All those ambitions and goals and expectations I held so tightly to my chest, the ones I felt I had to obtain before a specific time otherwise I would be a failure, didn't matter much after all. By the grace of God, I let go of most of it, and the things that should have remained, remained. I regained hope, love, and my faith, this time rooted in something more solid - the understanding although I cannot always understand the will of God, his plans for me are always good. Life will always have its struggles, but God also always helps us persevere, which brings character, and then hope (Romans 5:3-5).

I was built back up slowly over the last year, sliver by sliver, regardless of my doubt and my fear and my anger. I became new again, whole. Something different. It was a painful process, but life now looks so crisp, so clear through these new eyes I have grown; my grief sharpened my view, but my newfound hope made it colorful and bright. I truly learned that even with all of it's jagged edges and broken pieces, life is beautiful; and that in bravely facing whatever it brings you, you can transform into something more, something better, something magnified.

Today I am 34 years old. I can recognize myself in the mirror again; some shadows and lines remain, but I am there, rebuilt, clear, strong and dare I say it, a little wiser. The transformation I went through last year won't be the last, but I'm thankful to have gained even a little knowledge from it. The things I am holding tight to my chest matter - my husband, my daughter, my family and friends and my hope in a God who despite my not understanding His will sometimes, never fails me.

Cheers to 34.