On My Heart: When To Listen and When To Speak

Have you ever had one of those moments when you see yourself clearly? Like you are stepping outside of yourself for a moment, looking into the scene - and you see yourself and it's just plain ugly?

I had one of those moments this year and it changed everything.

But before I tell you about that moment, I need to tell you about my girlfriends: I have a group of amazing friends. Most of us knew one another from a church we all used to attend at one point in time; and then the group expanded to include a friend from work, or a neighbor, or a sister in law. It grew into something wonderful - a bevy of young married women who could count upon one another in good times and in bad. These are the women with whom I have shared my heart fully. We became sisters, helping one another as we have tried to figure out adulthood and marriage and eventually parenthood. Over the last four years, most of that core group have become mothers as well. 

My girlfriends are diverse - although we are all in the same age range by a decade and in the same stage of life, we have somewhat different ideas about how to run our households, how to raise our children, how to have a healthy marriage. The differences aren't morally different, but they are different nonetheless. And these differences have been topics of conversation - we learn from one another by hearing about each others experiences and ideas, even if we don't choose those same things for ourselves.

So one night this past spring, on our annual beach trip as friends, I had that moment of looking into the scene and I did not like what I saw.

At the dinner table one night, one of my friends brought up a topic that is controversial in the "mom" community and while most of my friends were politely asking questions to the friend who brought up the subject, I made the (now regrettable) decision to share my opinion about it. I did not agree with the friend's decision or opinion and my words, although well-intentioned, came across as biting and somewhat condescending.

I was so ugly in that moment.

The table fell somewhat silent after I spoke and one of my girlfriends, who has no problem calling me out on my crap in a loving way, said something to the effect of, "Well she thinks this is the best choice for her." I was immediately convicted and humbled - I realized that I had opened my mouth unnecessarily, and my words had hurt someone that I loved. I apologized a few minutes later after the table was cleared. My friend forgave me immediately - she is a good friend like that.

My mistake made me realize that I needed to learn when to listen and when to speak. I have always been an extrovert, I have always had a passionate streak, and I have always had the desire to help people. While those attributes can be a blessing, they are also a curse - they have shaped me into a person who ends up sharing a lot of what she thinks in the moment (most of the time without a filter) hoping that it will help the people around her. Sadly, what I realized is that more than 50% of the time I am hurting more than I am helping with my words. I had become a lecturer more than a friend, and let's face it - no one likes a know-it-all.

Opinions that are solicited and asked for can be helpful, encouraging, even life-sustaining at times. But opinions that are not asked for can come across like arrows, like needles, even like a hammer. They can offend and hurt and sometimes cause massive damage, whether we intend for them to or not. What I have learned over the last few months is that I can get incredibly frustrated and defensive when people offer unsolicited advice and opinions to me - pregnancy and parenthood has brought so much advice and it drives me crazy (unless of course I ask for it). The ironic part of all of this is that while I was annoyed with those who were freely offering me their opinions, I was just as guilty as they were. I offered my thoughts to anyone who would hear them, without thinking about whether the person had asked or not.

Since that night this past spring, I have thought a lot about my words and when to use them. I still offer my thoughts, opinions and ideas; but I try to remind myself to only offer them when asked, or at least apologize if I know I have spoken unnecessarily or inadvertently overstepped my bounds with my opinions.

What I have learned is that while 99.9% of what I say is well-intentioned that does not mean that I need to say it. Although I have a voice that does not mean it should be heard all the time. I have always wanted my words to add value and matter in the moments when they need to matter; but unless I have the wisdom to know when they don't mean anything and when they're wasteful then I'm just a clanging cymbal, a loud noise and an annoyance.

It's humbling to realize and pinpoint the ugliness in ourselves, to see the version of us that others can see. I don't like being the kind of woman who is unwise with her words. I'm thankful that I've been lucky enough to see my flaws and have the sense to try to work on them. This has been one of the hardest lessons of my life so far.

I'm praying for the grace to know when to listen and to know when to speak.