pain is our mother

I know this week’s posts have been mostly about our loss, but given what we have been through, I want to share my heart with you. I promise to return to the regularly scheduled programming soon!

"Pain is our mother. She makes us recognize each other." – Over the Rhine

This quote has been said and written to me many a time by my wise and wonderful friend Jessie. I didn’t understand it at first.

But I do now.

Every single one of has experienced some sort of loss. Every single one of us has experienced grief due to that loss. And in that pain we see one another clearly. We see a person in need, a broken, bleeding heart, a mind confused by fear and pain. We see ourselves in that person because we know what it is like to feel sad and lost and hopeless.

All of you have recognized me and Matt in this season. You see our heartache clearly because you have seen heartache in yourself.

A few nights ago, as I was sharing my heart with a few girlfriends, one of them asked me, “What if you get a call for another baby soon?”

And I replied,  "Honestly, I have not even thought of it. I don’t know if I can hope like that yet."

Given it’s been less than two weeks since this has happened, and because I am in the thick of processing it (and healing from it), I can’t even fathom another baby, another birthmother, another set of worries and constant anxiety, and forms and money, and what if’s. I can't process the potential that another failed adoption could happen.

Like I have said before, adoption is messy. It’s a battle that has temporarily injured us. For the last 10 days I have had a picture in my mind that Matt and I are laying on the battlefield, both our hearts bleeding out, unable to fight, unable to see beyond our pain.

And in that picture, all of you – my friends, my family, my co-workers, my readers, random people across the world – have been standing on the battlefield guarding and protecting us, forming a barrier against what has attacked us in this season, and you’re fighting on our behalf in a time when we are too weak to fight for ourselves. You are hoping for us, where we cannot.

It is a picture I have carried with me for days.

The point I am trying to make is that we are all in this together.

Life is so messy, and hard, and at times seemingly unfair. We need each other in these moments. We need the support and the encouragement and the kindness and the grace from others so we can make it through the next 15 minutes.

We all need to go to battle for one another. You all have battled for us. You have protected us with your comments, your prayers, your tears and your sweet and kind words of encouragement and hope.

I feel like I am drowning in love and it’s so. darn. good. I can’t wait to return the kindness and grace to you.

Until then, please know that you have blessed me and changed me in ways words cannot justify. It’s goodness. It’s grace. It’s true community.

I love you all.