Do you know who I thought about over the last two weeks constantly?
Baby M.
I do not mean the baby in my womb; I am referring to the little baby boy who we thought would be our child through domestic adoption. The one we called "Baby M" (M = first letter of our last name) because we weren't allowed to name the child until he was in our custody.
I thought about him daily after our adoption failed. As this pregnancy started to consume my thoughts more and more, I thought about him a little less, but he was always there, tugging at my heart strings.
But over the last two weeks, I could not stop thinking about him - Baby M was born on October 3 - he is a little over 6 months old now. I thought about what he must be doing - starting to eat solid food, maybe sitting up on his own, smiling and cooing and making cute faces.
I wondered if he was in the care of someone who loves him, as much as we would have loved him.
At times, I still feel anger towards his biological mother. She abused her own body during the pregnancy, resulting in an underweight, "sick" little boy who was taken from her by Child Protective Services. He was a victim to circumstances outside of his control.
I don't understand why some children are born to mothers and fathers who are too selfish to care for themselves and the child as they should, and why other children are born into families who would do anything for their children's health, safety and happiness.
Thank goodness I serve a God that is bigger than our circumstances.
As we celebrated the life, death and resurrection of my God, Jesus Christ, during Easter weekend, I couldn't help but feel comforted that He is in control - of me, of Matt, of Baby M and of every innocent child on this planet. I prayed that God would continue to protect that sweet angel boy, that he would be placed with a forever family and that he would come to know love and mercy and grace.
Baby M became part of my heart, and part of my family, if only for a moment. Although I'm so incredibly thankful for my daughter, I miss the son that was almost mine.
Baby M, I'm praying this over you:
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11
made me tear up a bit. i'm sure he will always be a part of your thoughts. I too pray that he is happy and loved somewhere and that his life only has an upward trajectory from the difficulty into which he was born.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I cannot understand what it would feel like to go through something like this, but I am thankful that the Lord is carrying you through.
ReplyDeleteRomans 12:12, REJOICE in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
What an ordeal your have endured. I hope the best for Baby M as well and that he was placed in a home as loving as your own. My foster son (my nephew) had two younger siblings born into the CPS system and I mourn every day for those two - for the fact that circumstances prevented us from bringing them into our home. We found out, however, that the couple they were placed with are the sweetest souls ever who battled years of infertility before they decided to foster. My nephew and niece were true blessings to their family.
ReplyDeleteGod is all knowing and wonderful. He knew your child before you conceived and perhaps he had a grand plan for Baby M the entire time! I can only hope that he is placed with a family who needed him desperately and will provide him the blessings he deserves.
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven"
- Ecclesiastes 3:1
Beautiful post. It reminded me of how I felt and still feel after having my daughter back in the fall. As I looked at her through the glass in the hospital nursery I couldn't help but think about how the lives of the babies around her would go. I was at a hospital in a not-so-great area and so many of the moms I saw were poor, single, young, and clueless. Now, I am fully aware that those things don't mean someone will be a bad mother...but it made me pray harder. I have shed so many tears over the past 7 months while rocking and nursing my daughter to sleep thinking about babies who arent as lucky as her and who are abused, neglected, and unwanted. Babies want nothing more than to be loved and to be close to their mommys and yet so many mothers cannot grant that simple desire. It breaks my heart and makes me want to go all Angelina Jolie and start scooping them up left and right. God has a special plan for Baby M and all of those babies who grace my thoughts daily - we will never know what it is, but I bet it's a good one :)
ReplyDeleteugh...i'm bawling. you are so beautiful kara. he's was and is so blessed to have a place in your amazing heart. <3
ReplyDeleteThis post gave me goose bumps and a catch in my throat. I will be praying for Baby M, too.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a sweet post. I have actually wondered how you are feeling post failed adoption. I can only imagine the heart break the two of you felt. No matter if you cared the child or not you must feel a similar, painful lost.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a touching post.
Heartbreaking and beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI was praying for him Sunday when we were behind you at church. I think about him a lot too.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your sweet words and prayers for him!
ReplyDeleteThis made me cry. I love you and your precious heart. I know the Lord is protecting sweet baby M.
ReplyDeleteLove this post my sweet friend. i love you and your heart of gold. Baby M is blessed to have you praying for him.
ReplyDeletexoxox Katrina
Kara,
ReplyDeleteThis post really touched my heart- and it aches for you. I am so sorry things didn't work out with baby M. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Just know that there are so many out there who support you.
I just subscribed to your blog today- and already you've had an impact.
I hope you'll stop by and say hello sometime-
kendall
songbirdsandbuttons.blogspot.com
This was beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. I wonder about Baby M when you post about him. I am sure the lord has big plans for this little soul, and I hope and pray that he is given the chance to realize his full potential, surrounded by love and safe in the knowledge that he was always wanted and always cherished.
ReplyDeleteI will keep you and your husband in my thoughts as well. The child in your womb is so blessed to be born into a family such as yours. You are great parents.
Kara, youre making me tear up here! You are such a beautiful person. THank you so much for this lovely post. I hope baby M is happy and healthy too and he is in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete