41 Weeks

 I've omitted the regular weekly "survey" since nothing has changed since last week. 

I knew I'd be pregnant for at least 41 weeks. This is my first baby, my pregnancy has been complication free (praise God!) and I have not shown any signs of going early. Being pregnant for an extra week hasn't been all kittens and roses, but the exhaustion, achy hips, random bouts of contractions and summer heat are all worth it. I love my daughter and I'll gladly "suffer" through another week of North Carolina August heat for her!

I have a doctor's appointment later today and get to see her on the big screen - I'm thankful that we get to do one more ultrasound to check fluid levels and estimate her size, as well as conduct the non-stress test. Today's appointment will determine how dilated and effaced I am (last week it was 1.5cm and 60%) and what the plan is going forward - either let me continue to progress naturally or schedule an induction. 

The journey to this pregnancy and the life of our daughter was written so differently than I would have ever imagined: We struggled with unexplained infertility for almost five years, all the while going through massive amounts of fertility tests, medical interventions and surgery for me. After hitting so many roadblocks biologically, we decided to adopt an infant through the domestic process subjecting ourselves to massive amounts of paperwork, red tape, bills, bills and more bills and the long waiting process to be chosen by a prospective birth mother. After 9 months of waiting for a match, we were chosen, but 3 months later, at the birth of her son, the birth mother changed her mind (and then Child Protective Services took the child from her). We walked through the grief of losing a baby we had grown to love and started questioning this whole parenthood journey altogether. Last fall was the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life - the grief of our dream of parenthood crushed and broken and the grief of knowing the child we loved would never know us as parents.

However, a month after the adoption failed, we started the adoption process again, but also went back to a reproductive endocrinologist. They did one round of IUI in early November and against all odds, it worked on the very first try. 

At the time and even at times now, my faith was so weak because after all that we had gone through with infertility and a failed adoption, I honestly felt like God had forgotten us.  I was convinced that He was not the embodiment of love and grace and all the things the Bible teaches us and that we would never become parents. I'll never forget the feeling of seeing those two pink lines on the pregnancy test in early December - after so many years of things not working out for us, to see a positive pregnancy test nearly bowled me over. It took me months to believe it. 

I'm still questioning why our story has been written this way and I don't think I'll ever hear the answers on this side of life. What I do know is that my daughter brought me back to God because she helped in the process of restoring my faith. This journey has given me a perspective that I don't think I would have ever achieved without the uphill battle we fought through to get to her life: I am thankful and I am blessed. I am in awe of the miracle of life inside of me and I hope to never take a second of her life for granted.

Darling daughter of mine, your story has already been written with such beauty, hope and joy. I cannot wait to meet you and tell you all about it. I love you to pieces.